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Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, (Lott-Warner Laboratories) a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium (Gv) has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places.

In fact, a Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons forming new isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium (Gv) is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration."