[Alpha-Omega]

This Is The Call Of The Year!!!!!


Caller:  Hi…My name is _ _ _ _ and I was just speaking with someone in ordering and they sent me to you.  They said you could make me what I need.

Make you what you need!!!!  OH this has got to be good.  Hold on girl gonna be a rough ride!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Yes, sir.  What can I help you with?

Caller:  I need a column.  I have this DNAXYZ LM200 column it is an analytical column and I need a bigger size.  They said you could make it for me.

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA…Make him a bigger column. HA HA HA HA…Oh this is good.

Tech:  Sir.  This is Technical Support.  I am an IC Technical Support Specialist.  I can’t make you a column; but I can send your request for a custom column to someone in Product Management and Sales.

Caller:  They told me you could do it.  Why won’t you make it for me.  You haven’t even let me tell you what I want.

OMG here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!  If he wanted one big enough I can beat him to death with it…..TRALALALALATRA LA LALA

Tech:  Ok sir.  What kind of dimensions are you looking for?

Caller:  OK…now I want you to make me a column with that resin that is about 5 meters in length.  I do not know what i.d. I should get..

OH Holy JFC…Has he lost his mind!!!!  WTF kind of oligonucleotides/primers/DNA/PCR is he going to analyze.

Tech:  Sir, 5 meters?  You want a 5 meter column?

Caller:  Well, yes.  I am an independent consultant and I have a client that needs this for mass production purposes.

Tech:  And what are they analyzing?

Caller:  Well, I can't tell you that.  It is of a secret nature.

OH now WTF…why do I get these calls?  Why am I always the chosen one.  OK Mr. I just fell out the spaceship dude-who has obviously incurred massive head trauma.  I have a few questions for you:  Name, Planet of Origin, and your Serial Number stamped on the back of your head   What 665.5 I bet!!!!…Because You are Certifiable!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  OK.  Well, so you are not yet a _ _ _ _ _ _  customer?

Caller:  No, I am not.  I will be when you make me this column.

Yeah, Baby let me tell you I just cannot whip a proprietary resin out of my A$%.  And even if I could do it I would not make a damn thing for your CMFA.  Oh crazy person who is WHAT???  Going to analyze the DNA for totality of the Earth’s population?

Tech:  Sir,  I am an IC Technical Support Specialist.  I am not in the position to make a column for you.

Caller:  Well, then if you are technical support you can do it .  How long do I have to wait until you can make it?

GGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEE  Reality check:  Yes, I am awake.  I do not think I am dead.  If I am I went to HELL!!!!  What am I saying he is not getting.  I need to call security.  Trace this call. Have this man shut down!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech: Sir, I need to get some information in order to facilitate your request.

Caller:  That is more like it.  I will be a good customer for _ _ _ _ _  so you need to get moving.

OH YEAH!!!!  That was the sentence….You want a boatload of a proprietary resin…OK dude…Just wait!!!  I know exactly where to file this request…YOU BETCHYA!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir I need your Name, Address, Company, Zip Code, Phone#, E-mail.  Ok sir, I am going to have someone from Product Management contact you (BIG LIE-sending this to sales-good thing she is a friend of mine).  They wiil have to get those dimensions so they can consider your request.

Caller:  Well, you take my order and I know this company ships overnight.  Because I need it by day after tomorrow.  You take credit cards right?

Tech:  Yes sir we do.  However I have to have a person authorized to accept a credit card contact you.

Day after tomorrow…FRIDAY!!!!  He wants a column the size of a football field by Friday!!!!  LMAO LMAO LMAO…OK THEN!!!!  Let me just get right on this!!!! LOL LOL LOL And he is analyzing secret stuff, and he has no clue what diameter....but I have to huury up and make his column RIGHT NOW!!!!!  They will be talking about this for the next 6 months.  Wher did I put that MAGIC WAND?

Caller:  OK, well I will be sitting by the phone waiting for that call.  You make sure they call me within the next 30 minutes.

LMAO…I can see the e-mails I am going to get from Product Management and Sales on this one.  Because I am cc’ing the entire company-GLOBALLY….

Tech:  Ok, sir.  I have sent this to the appropriate parties.  You have a GREAT DAY!!!!!!

Caller:  OK you just make sure it is in my mail box by Friday.  If you are technical support you can make sure it is made right.

OH you bet...are you just picturing the size ...5 meter column!!!!!!  In a Mail Box!!!!

[Arkcon]

Other companies sell prep scale columns for large biopolymers.  You achieve prep scale capacity by increasing the diameter, not the length.  Anyone who browses a catalog can see that prep scale columns are the same length, so the separation is the same, just diameter changes. 

He probably expected the cost would be the same as his analytical column.  What sort of box did he think a 5 meter column would be packed in?  What sort of truck would deliver it?  Who'd be lifting it?  This man has left the realm of "intelligence deficiency", and bumping dangerously close to "type of plant life."  Ordering must have connected you because they wanted to read your post here.   

In fact, he must have thought up this phone call himself as a joke.  Nothing in this phone call makes sense.  I wish I knew the names of the companies involved, so I can be certain to never interact with them in any way.

[Alpha-Omega]

He was NOT with a Company..."Independent Consultant."  He said he was making this purchase for a client...LOL waht was really funny...he thought we we just a big warehouse for columns...LMAO...He had no clue we made them until he was told....

OH.. it was not a joke this was a 30 minute call. he was so specific about the lenght...kept asking about the diameter...could not tell me a thing...just kept saying BIG FAT COLUMN...about 5 meters long...not sure about wwhat diameter he needed...

OK so we both know he is a DA...a consutant trying to fill an order for a client that does not even use OEM equipment.  they were using a competitors equipment....

So this INDEPENDENT CONSULTANT is going to order a 5 meter long column of  (I am not sure what i.d. I need DIAMETER)  Custom Column whose performance is NEVER gauranteed...to use in a COMPETITORS stainlees steel system.

Are you picturing that....NOT TITANIUM....NOT PEEK....Stainless Steel...OMG OMG imagine the cleanng on a 5 meter column....

OH...and do not forget...I make them...in my office....I have so many more to write....OH WAIT till you hear the one about the METHOD DEVELOPMENT with the UV detector...OOOOOHHHHHH  that one is sooooooooooooooo good...she does a shot of mobile phase and all her peaks are inverted....in fact the entire method was INVERTED...

Do I know what is wrong?  OMG...she has HUGE CONTAMINATION or she is FLOURESCING...WTF....!!!!!

LMAO  just switched from RP to NP...and everything is UPSIDE DOWN...Do I have any suggestions!!!!....YES...REPLACE THE INTERFACE...MS. Dr., Dr. Dr. HPLC METHOD DEVELOPMENT SPECIALIST!!!!

OH LET ME NOT LEAVE OUT THIS VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION THAT Dr. METHOD DEVELOPMENT IN THE XYZFYTH METHOD DEVELOPMENT GROUP ASKED ME;  "Do you know what the UV absorbance wavelength of methanol is?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME....OMG....SHE IS DOING THE METHOD DEVELOPMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!  NOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Do I have any suggestions she can follow....OH HELL NO I DO NOT...Please tell me exactly what is left for me to suggest?  I think she has done everything humanly possible to screw up that system!!!!!

That HPLC System has been completely tortured...OK!!! YES I have a suggestion SOAK IT IN NITRIC ACID...CONCENTRATED NITRIC....Overnight...there you go all our problems SOLVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!Service Call!!!!!  Are you kidding me!!!

OH and BTW:  If you try to dissolve your HPLC in nitric acid....THAT IS NOT COVERED UNDER WARRANTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is a bad thing when I can say the only 2 companies I trust are Diageo and Philip Morris....

Don't you see they asked me to post on this site for chemists ....because if they do not let me off that phone...My calls are like this...so they are NUTS...I have the certifiable line!!!!!!! 

You should have seen the e-mail from the sales rep...from Product Management..I mean they called him....

All those e-mails

Dear ~M,


WTF..5-meter column...are you sure he asked for a 5-meter column?  Are you sure he was not mistaken?  Did...no way 5-meter diameter....?  Are you sure?  Are you sure?

After they called him.....those questions stopped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I also want to add....I have a wittness....I have my frind CO...has my back!!!!  And he just has never ever ever ever...since day 1 ...I get these!!!!!!!  (I have a function!!!!!).  I am this filter.....Believe me...Patience IS A VIRTUE!!!!  I have a VIRTUE!!!!! Maybe just 1; but,  I have it!!!!

[Arkcon]

This story belongs on Mitch's blog.  Maybe people will read them, and wise up before making random technical requests.  ... Nah ... who'm I kidding?

[Alpha-Omega]

I have driven some big damn trucks in my time...I want to be the first..In fact I have offered to deliver that 5-meter custom column....LMAO

OH Hell, I mean if he thinks I can make it..I should take it to him RIGHT!!!!!!  What I would have given to have listened to Manufacturing talk to this guy...LOL LOL LOL LOL...WOO HOO!!!!!