[billnotgatez]

Is there a place on this site where I can view all of the automatic quotes that pop up at the bottom of the forum page?

[Mitch]

It taste like burning.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
I bring you peace.   Mr. Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
Go banana!   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
The strong must protect the sweet   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius--and a lot of courage--to move in the opposite direction.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Imagination is more important than knowledge.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
D'oh!!!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
God bless those pagans.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The only real valuable thing is intuition.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Mmmm, free goo.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
God is subtle but he is not malicious.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" (looking at Uruguay on the globe).   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.   Lisa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.   Lisa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
It's naive to think you can change a person--except maybe that boy who works in the library.   Lisa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Science has already proven the dangers of smoking, alcohol, and Chinese food, but I can still ruin soft drinks for everyone!   Lisa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV.   Lisa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?   Lisa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Homer, you raided the college fund, the TV... Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.   Marge Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?   Marge Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Bart, stop pestering Satan!   Marge Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I'm Bart Simpson, who the Hell are you?   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Eat my shorts.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Don't have a cow, man.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Cool, I broke his brain!   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Dad, thanks to TV,' I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're we laughing about?   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them-as is my understanding.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
I am through with working. Working is for chumps.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)   Albert Einstein   Edit quote | Delete quote
Cross you heart, hope to die. Stick a needle in your eye. Jam a dagger in your thigh. Eat a horse manure pie!   Bart Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday, you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations: You may outsmart someone!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight, I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
No matter where you go, there you are.   Buckaroo Bonzai   Edit quote | Delete quote
I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand, his hair was perfect.   Warren Zevon   Edit quote | Delete quote
Never discourage anyone...who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.   Plato   Edit quote | Delete quote
Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do.   Voltaire   Edit quote | Delete quote
I may disagree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to say it.   Voltaire   Edit quote | Delete quote
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.   Douglas Adams   Edit quote | Delete quote
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.   Douglas Adams   Edit quote | Delete quote
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something   Franklin D. Roosevelt   Edit quote | Delete quote
We make war that we may live in peace.   Aristotle   Edit quote | Delete quote
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.   Philip K. Dick   Edit quote | Delete quote
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.   Arthur C. Clarke   Edit quote | Delete quote
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.   Bertrand Russell   Edit quote | Delete quote
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.   George Santayana   Edit quote | Delete quote
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.   Aesop, The Lion and the Mouse   Edit quote | Delete quote
The past is a source of knowledge, and the future is a source of hope. Love of the past implies faith in the future.   Stephen Ambrose, in Fast Company   Edit quote | Delete quote
One, a robot may not injure a human being, or through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm; Two, a robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law; Three, a robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.   Isaac Asimov, Laws of Robotics from I. Robot, 1950   Edit quote | Delete quote
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.   Isaac Asimov, Salvor Hardin in "Foundation"   Edit quote | Delete quote
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.   Edmund Burke   Edit quote | Delete quote
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Eat to live, and not live to eat.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
After three days men grow weary, of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Necessity never made a good bargain.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Opportunity is the great bawd.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Tis easy to see, hard to foresee.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
What is serving God? Tis doing Good to Man.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
He that lieth down with Dogs, shall rise up with Fleas.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
The worst wheel of a cart makes the most noise.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
The poor have little, Beggars none; The rich too much Enough not one.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
After crosses and losses, men grow humbler and wiser.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
He that speaks ill of the Mare, will buy her.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Some are weatherwise, some are otherwise.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
There are three faithful friends -- an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
If you would not be forgotten As soon as you are dead and rotten, Either write things worthy reading, Or do things worth the writing.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
He that riseth late, must trot all day, and shall scarce overtake his business at night.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn in no other.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
When the well's dry, we know the worth of water.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Does thou love life? Then do not squander time; for that's the stuff life is made of.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Little strokes, Fell great oaks.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
The cat in gloves catches no mice.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Work as if you were to live a hundred years, Pray as if you were to die tomorrow.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
With the old Almanack and the old Year, Leave thy old Vices, tho ever so dear.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
One good Husband is worth two good Wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
I'm going to eat chocolate 'til I barf!   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Me fail English? That's unpossible.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
When I grow up, I'm going to bovine university!   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Teacher made me go to Principal Skinner's office when I was dirty.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
I found a moon rock in my nose!   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
*delete me* She's touching my special area!   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
My toys are all sticky.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Bushes are nice 'cause they don't have prickers. Unless they do. This one did. Ouch!   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
That's where I saw the Leprchaun. He tells me to burn things!   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
You're King David! I love you 'cause you kill people.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
And I want a bike and a monkey and a friend for the monkey.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
At my house, we call them [fires] 'Uh-Oh's.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
I ate too much plastic candy.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
His tummy sounds angry, daddy.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
You have the bestest Dad. He read me a story about Chinese food.   Ralph Wiggum   Edit quote | Delete quote
Fish and visitors stink after three days.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Who has deceiv'd thee so oft as thy self?   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
A good lawyer, is a bad neighbour.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
A country man between two lawyers, is like a fish between two cats.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
To err is human, to repent divine; to persist devilish.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Well done is better than well said.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Keep thy shop, and thy shop will keep thee.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
The king's cheese is half wasted in parings; but no matter, 'tis made of the people's milk.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Be slow in chusing a friend, slower in changing.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
He that drinks his Cyder alone, let him catch his Horse alone.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Who is rich? He that rejoices in his Portion.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
He that hath a Trade, hath an Estate.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
What you seem to be, be really.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
The Muses love the Morning.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Fear not death; for the sooner we die, the longer shall we be immortal.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Hunger is the best pickle.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Tim was so learned, that he could name a horse in nine Languages. So ignorant, that he bought a cow to ride on.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
When there's no Law, there's no Bread.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
He that drinks fast, pays slow.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Love your Neighbour; yet don't pull down your Hedge.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
The discontented Man finds no easy Chair.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Read much, but not too many books.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
He that speaks much, is much mistaken.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Glass, China, and Reputation, are easily crack'd, and never well mended.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Three good meals a day is bad living.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
The sleeping Fox catches no poultry. Up! up!   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Silence is not always a Sign of Wisdom, but Babbling is ever a folly.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
A good example is the best sermon.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
The end of Passion is the beginning of Repentance.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
To be proud of virtue, is to poison yourself with the Antidote.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
He that would Fish, must venture his bait.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Drink does not drown Care, but waters it, and makes it grow faster.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
He that lives upon hope will die fasting.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
A little neglect may breed great mischief...for want of a nail the shoe was lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the rider was lost.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Courteous Reader Remember that time is money.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
There was never a good war or a bad peace.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
Our new Constitution is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency; but in the world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes.   Ben Franklin   Edit quote | Delete quote
I am not an American. I am the American.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
But we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and we glorious Americans will occasionally astonish the God that created us when we get a fair start.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title and wear its loftiest honors if we had stopped with the first thing we ever invented, which was human liberty.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
When we do not know a person--and also when we do--we have to judge his size by the size and nature of his achievements, as compared with the achievements of others in his special line of business--there is no other way.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
...the citizen who thinks he sees that the commonwealth's political clothes are worn out, and yet holds his peace and does not agitate for a new suit, is disloyal; he is a traitor.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principle one was that they escaped teething.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
As to the Adjective: When in doubt, strike it out.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Well, it was touching to see the queen blush and smile, and look embarrassed and happy, and fling furtive glances at Sir Launcelot that would have got him shot in Arkansas, to a dead certainty.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
By temperament, which is the real law of God, many men are goats and can't help committing adultery when they get a chance; whereas there are numbers of men who, by temperament, can keep their purity and let an opportunity go by if the woman lacks in attractiveness.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity--another man's I mean.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
There are three things which I consider excellent advice. First, don't smoke to access. Second, don't drink to excess. Third, don't marry to excess.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
You ought never to "sass" old people- unless they "sass" you first.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
It is wrong to put a sheepskin under your shirt when you know that you are going to get a licking. It is better to retire swiftly to a secret place and weep over your bad conduct until the storm blows over.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
You should never do anything wicked and lay it on your brother, when it is just as convenient to lay it on some other boy.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection--that is the last and final and most precious reward that any man can win, whether by character or achievement.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
How stunning are the changes which age makes in a man while he sleeps!   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Whatever a man's age, he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his button-hole.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
When angry count four; when very angry, swear.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
We can secure other people's approval if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Women cannot receive even the most palpably judicious suggestion without arguing it; that is, married women.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
The blunting effects of slavery upon the slaveholder's moral perceptions are known and conceded the world over; and a priveleged class, an aristocracy, is but a band of slaveholders under another name.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Any kind of royalty, however modified, any kind of aristocracy, however pruned, is rightly an insult.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
By and by when each nation has 20,000 battleships and 5,000,000 soldiers we shall all be safe and the wisdom of statesmanship will stand confirmed.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
...armaments were not created chiefly for the protection of the nations but for their enslavement.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
It is no harm to be an ass, if one is content to bray and not kick.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
When an audience do not complain, it is a compliment, & when they do it is a compliment, too, if unaccompanied by violence.   Mark Twain   Edit quote | Delete quote
I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until ... Oh, what the hell. I'll just crush him like an ant.   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
Well, that's odd ... I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers - have him beaten to a pulp.   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
Just give the great unwashed a pair of oversized breasts and a happy ending, and they'll 'oink' for more every time.   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
I'm looking for something in an attack dog. One who likes the sweet gamey tang of human flesh. Hmmm, why here's the fellow ... Wiry, fast, firm, proud buttocks. Reminds me of me.   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared! Oooh, the Germans!   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
Bad corpse! Stop ... scaring ... Smithers!   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
Look at them, Smithers. Goldbrickers.... Layabouts.... Slug-a-beds! Little do they realise their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ah, Monday morning. Time to pay for your two days of debauchery, you hungover drones.   Mr Burns   Edit quote | Delete quote
Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.   Apu   Edit quote | Delete quote
Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.   Apu   Edit quote | Delete quote
Please do not offer my god a peanut   Apu   Edit quote | Delete quote
I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.   Apu   Edit quote | Delete quote
Nickel off on expired baby food.   Apu   Edit quote | Delete quote
Safety? But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee, including a few doozies no one every found out about.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
o, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Dear Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages! Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did... You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did You spite me with this family?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Trying is the first step towards failure.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
What's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Being popular is the most important thing in the world!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me who to smite and they shall be smoten!!!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Don't worry, son. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities: John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
It's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
OK, son. Just remember to have fun out there today, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Kids, kids. As far as Daddy's concerned, you're both potential murderers.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
They have the Internet on computers, now?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces,,...I just know they're about to jab me with something.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to lose.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Operator! Give me the number for 911!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of TV a day.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Here's to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's problems.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Don't you ever, EVER talk that way about television.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the bible.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more... more... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ah, TV respects me. It laughs with me, not at me!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge: they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
To Start Press Any Key''. Where's the ANY key?   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I have feelings too - like ''My stomach hurts'' or ''I'm going crazy!   Homer Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
You’re a gutsy daredevil with a give-‘em-hell attitude and a fourth-grade education. You coulda made Sergeant.   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I’m an Elk, a Mason, a Communist … I’m also president of the Gayand Lesbian Alliance for some reason ...   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Y’know,you remind me of a poem I can’t remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I’m not sure I’ve ever been to.   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I did wear a dress for a period in the forties. Oh, they had designers then!   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Well, whenever I’m confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answers to all the important questions.   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I'm an old man. I hate everything but 'Matlock'. Oooh! It's on now.   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
He used to be smart as a chimp, but now ... he's dumb as a monkey.   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Then I noticed that he was wearing sneakers, sneakers for sneaking.   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I used to be with 'it', but then they changed what 'it' was. Now what I'm with isn't 'it' anymore and what's 'it' seems weird and scary.   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I always get the blame around here! Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch? Who got their dentures stuck on the toilet?   Grandpa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Friends? These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal and even he’s kissed more boys than I ever will.   Lisa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
I’m impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.   Lisa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
You can't create a monster, then whine when it stomps on a few buildings.   Lisa Simpson   Edit quote | Delete quote
Tonight I’m going to party like it’s on sale for $19.99!   Apu   Edit quote | Delete quote
Get your haggis, right here! Chopped heart and lungs, boiled in a wee sheep's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds. Good for what ails ya!   Groundskeeper Willie   Edit quote | Delete quote
I dinna cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig. But I'll cry now.   Groundskeeper Willie   Edit quote | Delete quote
If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the whole lot of ya, and burn yer town to cinders!   Groundskeeper Willie   Edit quote | Delete quote
Now the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.   Groundskeeper Willie   Edit quote | Delete quote
Argh, I'll kill that Mr Burns! And I'll wound that Mr Smithers!   Groundskeeper Willie   Edit quote | Delete quote
Don't call me that word. I don't like things that elevate me above the other people. I'm just like you. Oh, sure, I come in later in the day, I get paid a lot more, and I take longer vacations, but I don't like the word 'boss'.   Hank Scorpio   Edit quote | Delete quote
Homer, on your way out, if you want to kill somebody, it would help me a lot.   Hank Scorpio   Edit quote | Delete quote
Don't do that. My butt is for sitting, not for kissing.   Hank Scorpio   Edit quote | Delete quote
When you go home tonight, there's gonna be a new story on your house.   Hank Scorpio   Edit quote | Delete quote
Now Homer, these gentlemen here will be your eyes and your ears and, should the need arise, they'll fill in for any part of your body. Your job will be to manage and motivate them. Give them the benefit of your years of experience.   Hank Scorpio   Edit quote | Delete quote
You've got to listen to me! Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and the shoving!   Professor Frink   Edit quote | Delete quote
"I propose that I use what's left of the town's treasury to move to a more prosperous town and run for mayor. And, uh, once elected, I will send for the rest of you.   Mayor Quimby   Edit quote | Delete quote
Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?   Mayor Quimby   Edit quote | Delete quote
Your new duties will include answering Mr Burns' phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing.   Waylon Smithers   Edit quote | Delete quote
Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks, and 'Sweatin' to the Oldies', volumes one, two and four.   Ned Flanders   Edit quote | Delete quote
Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middleman who jacked up the price, and let's not forget the humane but determined boys at the slaughterhouse.   Ned Flanders   Edit quote | Delete quote
Okay, folks. Look, I called the police captain in Shelbyville and he says he hasn't seen our kids, but if they show up in the morgue he's gonna fax us.   Ned Flanders   Edit quote | Delete quote
Heydilly-ho! Welcome to your new home, neglect-areenos!   Ned Flanders   Edit quote | Delete quote
The leg bone's connected to the hip bone, the hip bone's connected to the...red thing. The red thing's connected to my...wristwatch...uh oh.   Dr. Nick Rivera   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ah, the coroner, I'm so sick of that guy!   Dr. Nick Rivera   Edit quote | Delete quote
You've tried the best, now try the rest!   Dr. Nick Rivera   Edit quote | Delete quote
Here comes Mr McGreg ... with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.   Dr. Nick Rivera   Edit quote | Delete quote
I know I'm supposed to cut something but what ... and where?   Dr. Nick Rivera   Edit quote | Delete quote
This just in, Krusty the Clown staged a press conference today to defend himself against charges that his products are unsafe, his theme park is a death trap and that he is marketing video's of Tonya Harding's wedding night.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
I am here at the Springfield Aztec Theater when after 8 months and 9 Academy Awards, the Itchy and Scratchy Movie is showing for the last time. Tomorrow a new movie starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open - will it be as successful ? Only time will tell.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
Kent Brockman here once again at The Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, where a complete evacuation has taken place. Details are sketchy at best, so we've taken what little information we have, added our own theories, and concluded that whatever the likely disaster, it's most likely the work of our former president Richard M Nixon, even though he is rumored dead.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
Dozen's of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now, none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3pm Friday, local autocrat C Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at Town Hall. Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to 'alive'.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
Springfield will have its first annual "Do What You Feel Festival" this Saturday, whenever you feel like showing up. It'll be a welcome change from our annual "Do As We Say" festival, started by German settlers in 1946.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
The circumference of the well is 34 inches. So, unfortunately, not one member of our city's police force is slender enough to rescue the boy.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
And the results are in. For Sideshow Bob - 100%. For Joe Quimby - 1%. And we remind you that there is a 1% margin of error.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
This is Kent Brockman with a special report from the Channel 6 Newscopter. A large bearlike animal, most likely a bear, has wandered down from the hills, in search of food, or perhaps employment. Please remain calm, stay in your homes.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
Authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
And as my final newscast draws to a close, I'm reminded of a few of the events that brought me closer to you ; the collapse of the Soviet Union, premium ice cream wars, dogs that were mistakenly issued major credit cards, and others that weren't so lucky. And so, farewell. Eh, and, uh, don't forget to look for my new column in PC World magazine.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
I'm Kent Brockman, on the eleven o'clock news tonight … a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won't tell you which one until after sports and the weather with funny Sonny Storm.   Kent Brockman   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ooh, pardon me, “Santos” – if that is your real name, Bart Simpson – but your credit card is not good here. Make like my pants and split.   Comic Book Guy   Edit quote | Delete quote
Yes, this should provide adequate sustenance for the Dr. Who marathon.   Comic Book Guy   Edit quote | Delete quote
Last night's 'Itchy & Scratchy' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.   Comic Book Guy   Edit quote | Delete quote
Huuuh. Very Well. I must hurry back to my Comic Book Store where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.   Comic Book Guy   Edit quote | Delete quote
No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical as the average trekker has no use for a medium size belt.   Comic Book Guy   Edit quote | Delete quote
Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because if you are, you are making me laugh!   Comic Book Guy   Edit quote | Delete quote
Hmm, allow to summarize the proposed transaction. You would like to buy a copy of Bonestorm for .99 cents, net profit to me , -$59. [Opens register] Oh please, take my $59 - I don't want it. [Bart reaches for money] Seeing as how we are unfamilar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point.   Comic Book Guy   Edit quote | Delete quote
I’ve just enrolled in screenwriting class. I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu, pushed too far by convenience store bandits. I call it, ‘Hands off my jerky, turkey.’   Apu   Edit quote | Delete quote
Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass.   Apu   Edit quote | Delete quote
Mother’s gone too far. She’s put cardboard over her half of the television. We rented Man without a Face – I didn’t even know he had a problem!   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children will believe anything you tell them.   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
Yes, go to work with your parents day. Tomorrow, you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real world situations.   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can’t get the spices right!   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
Ah, Diorama-Rama, my favourite school event next to hearing-test Thursday.   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
Oh, relax, kids. I’ve got a gut feeling Uter’s around here somewhere. After all, isn’t there a little Uter in all of us? In fact, you might even say we just ate Uter and he’s in our stomachs right now! Wait. Scratch that one.   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
I know Weinstein’s parents were upset, Superintendent, but, ah, I was sure it was a phony excuse. I mean, it sounds so made up: ‘Yom Kip-pur.’   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
Hello Simpson, I’m riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theatre and picking up after yourselves.   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
You may find his accent peculiar. Certain aspects of his culture may seem absurd, perhaps even offensive. But I urge you all to give little Adil the benefit of the doubt. In this way, and only in this way, can we hope to better understand our backward neighbours throughout the world.   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.   Principal Skinner   Edit quote | Delete quote
You can't separate peace from freedom because no one can be at peace unless he has his freedom.   Malcom X   Edit quote | Delete quote

[billnotgatez]

Oh my!  Thank you

[xiankai]

i was copying quotes for fun during my IM conversations... when i remembered that Mitch posted a list of quotes somewhere (had the old list, but its old ), so i tried searching for it, and here it is. is it  gonna be updated?