[Alpha-Omega]

Keep a SMILE on your face! It will make the world wonder what you've been up to!

[Alpha-Omega]

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

[Alpha-Omega]

Ok so here we are in Chicago....48 degress dropped to 4 degrees we are having a blizzard and the temp will drop to -33...with any luck...SNOW DAY TOMORROW....

So much fun driving thru a blizzard with a rear-wheel drive TA that has a Limited Slip Differential....HMM HMM HMM and the day just gets better...

And this is how my day began..

Caller:  Hi my name is . and I am calling from…..

Tech: Yes, Sir and what do you need help with?

Caller: If I leave my system on over the weekend it runs dry…I am calling because I need a shut down program.

So we cannot calculate mL/min...and that does not surrprise me BECAUSE?....HMM HMM HMM HMM..LA LA LA...

Tech:  I will send you AN EXAMPLE SHUT DOWN PROGRAM..please give me your e-mail address…

TRA LA LA LA 10, 9, 8, 7, LA LA LA LA 6, 5, HMM HMM HMM TRA LA LA  4,…..YOU HAVE MAIL!!!!! And I am so sure I do …bet me….you know what he did…AW come on bet me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~M,

I just got the program you sent and I am attaching the errors I got when I put it into my sequence….

Yes he sure did he took that EXAMPLE PROGRAM and Applied It To His System….did not make one single effort to make sure it was compatible….YES YOU DA…That is why I called it EXAMPLE PROGRAM…It is not my job to write your PROGRAM FILES…that is YOUR JOB…I have written 25 different programs to send as examples...I see that is NOT ENOUGH...OH GREAT AND MIGHTY CHEMIST THAT YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....HA HA HA go to www.chemicalforums.com and ask them to write your program...HA HA HA....They will point you to The Forum Rules....

Now I am Implementing the BFS and GFY protocols…GGGGGEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[Alpha-Omega]

GEMINI-and if I do not do this....OMG 9 years more of Tech Support.....NO NO NO..Taking NO CHANCES....LOL LOL


Once you have opened this e-mail, there's no turning back. Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist. Read your sign, then forward it on, with your zodiac sign and label on the subject line.  This is real deal, try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there.


VIRGO  (The One that Waits) 
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word.  Caring.  Smart.  Loud.  Loyal.  Easy to talk to.  Everything you ever wanted.  Easy to please.  The one and only.  7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
SCORPIO  (The Addict)
EXTREMELY adorable.  Intelligent Loves to joke.  Very Good sense of humor.  Energetic.  Predict future.  GREAT kisser.  Always get what they want.  Attractive.  Easy going.  Loves being in long relationships.  Talkative.  Romantic.  Caring.  4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
LIBRA  (The Lame One)
Nice to everyone they meet.  Their Love is one of a kind.  Silly, fun and sweet.  Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet!  However, not the kind of person you wanna mess with... you might end up crying ...  9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
ARIES  (The Liar)
Outgoing.  Lovable.  Spontaneous.  Not one to mess with.  Funny.  Excellent kisser.  EXTREMELY adorable.  Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.  16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
AQUARIUS  (Does It In The Water)
Trustworthy.  Attractive.  Great kisser.  One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships.  Extremely energetic. Unpredictable.  Will exceed your expectations.  Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.  2 years of bad luck if you do not forward
 
GEMINI  (Irresistible)
Nice.  Love is one of a kind.  Great listeners.  Very Good in the you know where ... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out.  Trustworthy.  Always happy.  Loud.  Talkative.  Outgoing VERY FORGIVING.  Loves to make out.  Has a beautiful smile.  Generous.  Strong.  THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.  9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
LEO  (The Lion)
Great talker.  Attractive and passionate.  Laid back.  Knows how to have fun.  Is really good at almost anything.  Great kisser.  Unpredictable.  Outgoing.  Down to earth.  Addictive.  Attractive.  Loud.  Loves being in long relationships.  Talkative.  Not one to mess with.  Rare to find.  Good when found.  7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
CANCER  (The Cutie)
MOST AMAZING KISSER.  Very high appeal.  Love is one of a kind.  Very romantic.  Most caring person you will ever meet!  Entirely creative.  Extremely random and proud of it.  Freak.  Spontaneous.  Great telling stories.  Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.  12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
PISCES  (The Partner for Life)
Caring and kind. Smart.  Center of attention.  High appeal.  Has the last word.  Good to find, hard to keep.  Fun to be around.  Extremely weird but In a good way.  Good Sense of Humor!!!  Thoughtful.  Always gets what he or she wants.  Loves to joke.  Very popular.  Silly, fun and sweet.  5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
CAPRICORN  (The Passionate Lover)
Love to bust.  Nice.  Sassy.  Intelligent.  Sexy.  Predict future.  Irresistible.  Loves being in long relationships.  Great talker.  Always gets what he or she wants.  Cool.  Loves to own Gemini's in sports.  Extremely fun.  Loves to joke.  Smart.  24 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
TAURUS  (The Tramp)
Aggressive.  Loves being in long relationships.  Likes to give a good fight for what they want.  Extremely outgoing.  Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser.  Good personality.  Stubborn.  A caring person.  One of a kind.  Not one to mess with.  Are the most attractive people on earth!  15 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
SAGITTARIUS  (The Promiscuous One)
Spontaneous.  High appeal.  Rare to find.  Great when found.  Loves being in long relationships.  So much love to give.  Not one to mess with.  Very pretty.  Very romantic.  Nice to everyone they meet.  Their Love is one of a kind.  Silly, fun and sweet.  Have own unique appeal.  Most caring person you will ever meet!  Amazing in the you know where..!!!  Not the kind of person you wanna mess with, you might end up crying.  4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.
 
Okay here's the thing, you cant send this to the person who sent this to
you so good luck! the other hard part is that last one with this is the loser.  READY . SET.... GO!
 
1-3 people        = 1 minute of luck
 
4-7 people        = 1 hour of luck
 
8-12 people      = 1 day of luck
 
13-17 people    = 1 week of luck
 
18-22 people    = 1 month of luck
 
23-27 people    = 3 months of luck
 
28- 32 people   = 7 months of luck
 
33-37 people    = 1 year of luck
 
38 and more    = a very lucky life!

[Alpha-Omega]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fNtCurCWuA

[Alpha-Omega]

The husband wrote the following letter for his
wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife. You will
surely understand that I have certain needs
that you, being 54 years old, can no longer
satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading
this letter, I hope that you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old
secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset - I shall be home before
midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he
found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband. I received
your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a
math teacher at our local college. I would
like to inform you that while you read this,
I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael,
one of my students. He is young, virile, and
like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent
knowledge of Math, you will understand that
although it may appear that we are in the
same situation, there is one mathematical
difference:
"18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18."
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

[Alpha-Omega]

The Unjust Salary Theorem asserts that scientists can never earn as much as sales people. This theorem is proved as follows. Start by using the physics formula

Power = Work / Time


Now you probably have heard that Knowledge is Power and Time is Money. Substitute these tautologies into the formula for power to obtain

Knowledge = Work/Money


Solving for Money, one finds

Money = Work / Knowledge.


Therefore, the less you know, the more you make

[Alpha-Omega]

On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm..

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it.
 
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
 
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence.
 
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark black hair and hazel eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

...No one moves.

...He removes his shirt.

...Muscles ripple across his chest.

...She gasps...

...He whispers:
 
 
 
"Here, iron this, and then get me something to eat."
 
 

[Alpha-Omega]

From Linda who has 12 grandchildren.....LOL  This is pretty good...


http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/1087/Musical+Bossy+Mom/

[Alpha-Omega]

LMAO..If I could do this at work...OH I so envy Kitty....
Kitty has THE POWER....


http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/1198/Kitty+Says+Wake+Up/

[Alpha-Omega]

Subject: Thanks For The Informative EMails

I Thought I Would Show My Appreciation With A Big
Thanks...
To Whoever Sent Me the One about Rat Poop in the Glue on Envelopes
because I Now Have To Use A Wet Towel with Every Envelope That Needs
Sealing.

Also, I Now Have To Scrub the Top of Every Can I open For the Same
Reason.

Thanks To You, I Can't Use Anyone's Toilet But Mine Because A Big
Brown African Spider Is Lurking Under The Seat To Cause Me Instant Death
When It Bites My Fanny.

I No Longer Have Any Savings Because I Gave It To A Sick Girl (Penny
Brown) Who Is About To Die In The Hospital For The 1,387,258th Time.

But That Will Change Once I Receive The $15,000 That Bill
Gates/Microsoft And AOL Are Sending Me For Part icipating In Their
Special E-mail Program.

I No Longer Worry About My Soul Because I Have 363,214 Angels Looking
Out For Me, And St. Theresa's Novena Has Granted My Every Wish.

I No Longer Eat KFC Because Their Chickens Are Actually Horrible
Mutant Freaks With No Eyes Or Feathers.
As Soon As I Get My Free Dinner Coupons From Applebee's, I Can Eat
Again.
I No Longer Use Cancer-Causing Deodorants Even Though I Smell Like A
Water Buffalo On A Hot Day.

Thanks To You, I Have Learned That My Prayers Only Get Answered If I
Forward An Email To Seven Of My Friends And Make A Wish Within Five
Minutes.

Because Of Your Concern I No Longer Drink Coca Cola Because It Can
Remove Toilet Stains.

I No Longer Can Buy Gasoline Without Taking A Man Along To Watch The
Car So A Serial Killer Won't Crawl In My Back Seat When I'm Pumping Gas.

I No Longer Drink Pepsi Or Dr. Pepper Since The People Who Make These
Products Are Atheists Who Refuse To Put "Under God" On Their Cans.

I No Longer Use Saran Wrap In The Microwave Because It Causes Cancer.

And Thanks For Letting Me Know I Can't Boil A Cup Water In The
Microwave Anymore Because It Will Blow Up In My Face..Disfiguring Me For
Life.

I No Longer Check The Coin Return On Pay Phones Because I Could Be
Pricked With A Needle Infected With Aids.

I No Longer Go To Shopping Malls Because Someone Will Drug Me With a
Perfume Sample And Rob Me.

I No Longer Receive Packages From UPS Or Fedex Since They Are Actually
Al Qaeda In Disguise.

I No Longer Shop At Target Since They Are French And Don't Support Our
American Troops Or The Salvation Army.

I No Longer Answer the Phone Because Someone Will Ask Me To Dial A
Number For Which I Will Get A Phone Bill Totaling $2,374.76 With Calls
To Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, And Uzbekistan .

I No Longer Have Any Sneakers -- But That Will Change Once I Receive
My Free Replacement Pair From Nike.

I No Longer Buy Expensive Cookies From Neiman Marcus Since I Now Have
Their Recipe.

And Thanks To Your Great Advice, I Can't Ever Pick Up $5.00 Dropped In
The Parking Lot Because It Probably Was Placed There By A Sex Molester
Waiting Underneath My Car To Grab My Leg.
Oh, And Don't Forget This One Either! I Can No Longer Drive My Car
Because I Can't Buy Gas From Certain Gas Companies!

And Remember, If You Don't Send This E-mail To At Least 144,000 People
In The Next 7 Minutes, A Large Dove With Diarrhea Will Land On Your Head
At 5:00 PM This Afternoon And The Fleas From 12 Camels Will Infest Your
Back, Causing You To Grow A Hairy Hump.

I Know This Will Occur Because It Actually Happened To A Friend Of My
Next Door Neighbor's Ex-Mother-In-law's Second Husband's Cousin's
Beautician.

... Have A Wonderful Day....
One Last Bit Of Noteworthy News: A South American Scientist From
Argentina, After A Lengthy Study, Has Discovered That People With
Insufficient Brain And Sexual Activity Read Their E-mail With Their Hand On The
Mouse.

Don't Bother Taking It Off Now, It's Too Late

[Alpha-Omega]

As I Mature...


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care some people are just a$$holes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

I've learned that shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a releationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

[Alpha-Omega]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today. A lady here died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their service charges on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"

[Alpha-Omega]

Mental Health Hotline

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
•   If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
•   If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
•   If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
•   If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
•   If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
•   If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
•   If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
•   If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
•   If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
•   If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, SS#, and your mother's maiden name.
•   If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
•   If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
•   If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•   If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

[Alpha-Omega]

Hazardous Materials Information Sheet : MEN

Element: Men
Symbol: BS
Discoverer: Should be shot
Atomic Mass: 70 kg (without Ego), 1000 kg (Ego included)
Occurrences: Found just about anywhere women are.


Physical Properties:
•   Surface covered in hairy coat
•   Displays signs of spineless puppy dog when properly whipped by a experienced woman.
•   Hardens very easily, but softens at nothing.
•   Sweet only when necessary, otherwise generally very bitter.
•   Found in only one state : Horny
•   Yields to just about anything with open legs.

Chemical Properties:
•   Has a great affinity for bimbos and remote controls.
•   High Grade specimens spend great quantities of expensive substances.
•   Inability to think with more than one organ at a time.
•   Attracted to just about anything, but sticks to nothing.
•   Most powerful self-esteem reducing agent known to woman.

Common Uses:
•   Has not yet been discovered.
•   Some usefulness has been found when dealing with household appliances, but usefulness is extremely l            limited.
•   Occasionally useful in bedroom, but only when given explicit instructions.

Tests:
•   Becomes extremely competitive when grouped with several other specimens.
•   Pure specimen becomes an *Ignore me, I am a weenie* when saturated with alcohol.

Hazards:
•   It is extremely difficult to keep one of these. A trained expert can resort to various tricks if necessary.
•   It is illegal to posses more than one, but why would anyone want even the one they have?