[Alpha-Omega]

HAZARD MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
(MSDS)

Women: A Chemical Analysis


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1.   Surface usually covered with a painted film.
2.   Boils at nothing, freezes without reason or warning.
3.   Melts if given special treatment.
4.   Bitter if incorrectly used.
5.   Found in various states - from virgin metal to common ore.
6.   Yields to pressure applied to correct points.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1.   Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2.   Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3.   May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4.   Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.


COMMON USES:
1.   Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.   Can be great aid to relaxation.


TESTS:
1.   Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state.
2.   Turns green when placed next to a better specimen.


HAZARDS:
1.   Highly dangerous except when in experienced hands.
2.   Illegal to possess more than one.
3.   Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

[Alpha-Omega]

POST DONATED BY AVM:

__________________________________________________________

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
MAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

Element        : Man
Symbol         : Ah (short for *Ignore me, I am a weenie*)
Quantitative   : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be
            as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer     : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had
            a craving for ribs)
Occurrence     : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
            concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :

a) Surface often covered with hair bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced wth Logic and Common
   Sense,melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH.
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo.
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to
   extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of
   Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
   subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :

a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction
   is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
   favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
   which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will
   repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly
   those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :

a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35
   for favorable reaction style.

Best Uses:

a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo.
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :

a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
   information on many wavelengths.

Caution :

a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to
   a particular Wo specimen.  Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.

[Alpha-Omega]

Post Donated by AVM

__________________________________________________________

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

Element:     Women
Symbol:      Wo
Discoverer:  Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted at 53.6Kg, but known to vary from 40-200Kg.
Occurrences: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

1.           Surface usually covered in painted film.
2.           Boils at nothing; freezes without reason.
3.           Melts if given correct treatment.
4.           Bitter if incorrectly used.
5.           Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6.           Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

Chemical Properties:

1.           Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious
             stones.
2.           Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3.           May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
             reason.
4.           Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by
             saturation in alcohol.
5.           Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses:

1.           Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.           Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3.           Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1.           Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural
             state.
2.           Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Hazards:

1.           Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.           Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
             maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not
             come into direct contact with each other.

[Alpha-Omega]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. 
Calling AAA is not an option. I will  win.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when  the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the  engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with  all these computers and everything, I  wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy  communion.
_____________ __ _________________________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a  man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as  I do, so for you, this is no  problem.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a  man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk  or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu."  For all I know, these are the same thing. 
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, when  one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite  evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets  here and has to put it back  together.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Because  I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my  hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for  it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a  calculator..(applies to  engineers mainly).
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Because  I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true  answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up  something else when you ask, so don't  ask.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man,  I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or  talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to.  Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And  don't forget to pick up something for my mother,  too.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're  crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous  afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name! and recommend it to  others.
______________________________________________________________________________________________
Because I'm  a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing  five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or  without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine.   You look fine. Can we just go  now?
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Because I'm a man,  and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the  housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.. like wandering around in  the garden with a beer wondering what to  do.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
This has been a public service message  for women to help them better understand men.

[Alpha-Omega]

 http://www.flixxy.com/sumsing-turbo-3000-cellphone.htm

[Alpha-Omega]

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't have any." Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.

"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas ." Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't ready for that." Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"When you win, nothing hurts." Joe Namath / Alabama

"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." Lou Holtz / Arkansas

"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll, tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." Wally Butts / Georgia

"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life." Paul Diet zel / LSU

"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant / Alabama

"No, but you can see it from here." Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama

"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU

"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember.. Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." Shug Jordan / Auburn

"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas

"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his team: "All those who need showers, take them." John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking." John McKay / USC

"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad." Darrell Royal / University of Texas

"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football" John Heisman

[Alpha-Omega]

LOL...this was pretty good...left by psi*psi...at CF Blog:

http://notalwaysright.com/

[Alpha-Omega]

Printer Problems??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keMmM3P4BRM

http://www.jibjab.com/view/164894

(This is my personal favorite because my cat did this while I was printing my thesis….LOL)

6 Top Printer Jokes

You have just received your new printer and the box looks damaged with a nice expensive printer inside. All looks hopeless throw out the box it will likely not work.
What will my printer warranty cover? Your mouse pad!!!

When the office printer color started to look a little off the manager called the local repair shop. To the manager's surprise the clerk said that it would cost $50 but that he might try reading the manual and doing it himself. The manager replied in astonishment "does your boss know that you discourage business that way?"  "Yes", replied the clerk. It was his idea. We make more on repairs than cleanings if the owner tries to do it himself first.

A woman called tech support and said her computer couldn't find the printer. The tech asked "are you working under windows?" The woman replied "no I'm near the door but the guy in the next cubical is working under a window and his printer works fine."

The printer is comprised of three main parts; the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
When the printer still will not work after 20 tries; try sending the print job to all 100 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

[Alpha-Omega]

OMG...I am just overjoyed...maybe SNOW DAY TOMORROW....HA HA...I can load up the HUNMOR SITE..WOO HOO...

6 inches of snow...blinded by the white...and still falling...

[Alpha-Omega]

I am extremely apolitical...but I really like this guy's attitude...I think it struck me because my sister missed 911 the take down of the World Trade Center by a 20 minutes-she made it out safely but so many did not...

I knew she was in there...she had a meeting with her company...she is an editor for Doublday...

I was teaching HS kids that day...and they were just so freaked out I was not I was showing NO EMOTION...about what happened in NY that day...you know how kids are...I refused to address any of it in the callses...and they actually went to Principle and complained I was ignoring it....

Well, you know of course there was a meeting...and OMG he was just so embarassed...when he was informed of WHY I WAS BEING SO QUIET...that put an end to all that...

Later I got the call she was just fine...funny how certain images stir up old memories...

PEACE OUT ALL...

I don't know who put this together, but I sure would like to shake his hand, pat him on the back, and wish him, "Good Hunting!"

Dear Terrorists,
I am a Navy Aviator. I was born and raised in a small town in New England . I come from a family of five. I was raised in a middle class home and taught my values by my mother and father.

My dad worked a series of jobs in finance and my mom took care of us kids. We were not an overly religious family but attended church most Sundays. It was a nice small Episcopal Church.  I have a brother and sister and I am the youngest in my family.  I was the first in many generations to attend college.

I have flown Naval aircraft for 16 years.  For me the flying was never a lifelong  dream or a "calling," it just happened. I needed a job and I liked the challenge.  I continue to do it today because I feel it is important to give back to a nation which has given so much to me. I do it because, although I will never be rich, my family will be comfortable.

I do it because many of my friends have left for the airlines and someone has to do it. My government has spent millions to train me to fly these multi-million dollar aircraft. I make about 70,000 dollars a year and after 20 years will be offered a pension.

I like baseball but think the players make too much money. I am in awe of firemen and policemen and what they do each day for my community, and like teachers, they just don't get paid enough.

I respect my elders and always use sir or ma'am when addressing a stranger. I'm not sure about kids these days but I think that's normal for every generation.

I tell you all this because when I come for you, I want you to know me. I won't be hiding behind a woman or a child.  I won't be disguised or pretending to be something I am not.  I will be in a U.S. issue flight suit. I will be wearing standard US issue flight gear, and I will be flying a navy aircraft clearly marked as a US warplane.  I wish we could
meet up close in a small room where I could wrap my hands around your throat and slowly squeeze the life out of you, but unfortunately, you're hiding in a hole in the ground, so we will have to do this a different way.

I want you to know also that I am very good at what I do.  I can put a 2,000 lb. weapon through a window from 10,000 feet up.  I generally only fly at night, so you may want to start sleeping during the day. I am not eager to die for my country but I am willing to sacrifice my life to protect it from animals like you.

I will do everything in my power to ensure no civilians are hurt as I take aim at you. My countrymen are a forgiving bunch.  Many are already forgetting what you did on Sept 11th.  But I will not forget!!  I am coming.  I hope you know me a little bit better, see you soon...sleep tight.

Signed

A  U.S. Navy Pilot
Our Soldiers are one
of our greatest assets!
God Bless

[Alpha-Omega]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Old Ladies
If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone you know.


I just did!

[Alpha-Omega]

Contributed by AVM:

Two Women Talking In Heaven

 1st Woman:  Hi! My name is Maggie.

 2nd Woman:  Hi! I'm Sylvia.  How'd you die?

 1st Woman:  I froze to death.

2nd Woman:  How horrible!

1st Woman:  It wasn't so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd Woman:  I died of a massive heart attack  I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st Woman:  So what happened?

2nd Woman:  I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.   I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement.  I went through each closet
and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
ith a heart attack and died.

1st Woman:  Too bad you didn't look in the freezer..
 We'd both still be alive.

[Alpha-Omega]

HMMMM Comming Attractions to my blog:

Caller:  Hello...I am a Chemist with...and I need help with my calibration curve?

Tech:  OK...what s the problem

Caller:  I made my standards and my R^2 is only .92 when I do a linear fit...

Tech:  What is your range?

Caller:  Huh?

Tech:  The range of your standards...the lowest and the highest, what is it

Caller:  32 picomoles to 1200 picomoles....

linear function does not fit the data..ri

Caller:  And my signal is almost half what it was 2 years ag...so I need help with that too..

OMG..is he joking...better the signal is less....he would be in the cubic range...

Tech:  What is the range of your samples?

Caller:  50 to 500

OK then why the hell are you going to 1200 picomoles....OMG this is unbelievable

NEXT:

Caller:  Hi...my name is....and I need help with my calibration curve...

HHHMMMM WTF we have an epidemic here....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  OK what seems to be the problem?

Caller:  Well I made all my standards...and I cannot find where my sample lies...

Tech:  How many points on the curve?

Caller:  157

ONL:Y 157....OMG  that is  not a curve...that is a pearl necklace....I mean...AAAAHHHHHHH   someone Please explain to me why this guy would do such a thing....


NEXT:

Caller:  Hi I am a chemist with....and I need help with my standard curve....

OK said std curve...may she knows something....let me not jump the gun here....

Tech:  Ma'am...what is wrng with the curve?

Caller:  I have to use a linear fit and I cannot make the line fit.

Tech:  Ma'am, what is the range on your standards?

Caller:  Well, OK....I go from 0 to 10,000 ppm..

OMG....WTF is she thinking..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  0 to 10,000 ppm and she is forcing the function...Wait I bet I got this one nailed...there is more...I know there is even more..!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma'am are you using offset?

Caller:  Yes....

Tech: How many injections per standard?

Caller:  1

OH HELP ME ...I am ging to e her for an hour....Who the hell I mean how the hell.....I mean OMG I cannot even think anymore...I cannot believe....GEEEEZZZZZEEEEEEE

NEXT:

Caller:  Hi...I am a Chemist with...and my calibration won't work

OH SURE IT WILL IF WE REPLACE THE INTERFACE.....nothing wrong with the curve...it is the connection between the chair and the panel....

Tech:  So what is the problem sir?

Caller:  My data will not work with a linear fit...but if I use the quartic fit...it looks just great...so can you explain this...because I will have to justify it in my report....

OH well...good luck with that....that is just the end....THE QUARTIC FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....he had to dig deep for that one...QUARTIC FIT...hmmmm the quantum effect of ions...this is just amazing stuff...In my whole life....I cannot even begin to understand what you have done....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry Later...BYE...I am out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am a Chemist...and I am going where all good Chemists go!!!!!!!!!!  As Far away from you as I can get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Alpha-Omega]

Contributed bt bwachtg...

To paraphrase Ben Franklin, "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in  water there is bacteria."
 
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end
of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of  Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
 
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
 
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go  through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
 
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.  Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh!t.
 
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

[Alpha-Omega]

When George first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

George became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and
his wife went to see a prominent urologist.


After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will George be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.


"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
 

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?