[Alpha-Omega]

Caller:  Hi…my name is and I am calling from….I am the …..CHEMIST…..

Tech:  How can I help you, ma’am?

Caller:  I called yesterday because I needed help with my column.  I am testing for anions and my retention times are quicker then they used to be.

ANALYZING SENTENCE…she is testing for anions…..has to be </= B.S.  RTs are “QUICKER THEN THEY USED TO BE.”  OK!!!!!!we have half a deck here!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tech: Yes, Ma’am…..

Caller:   Anyway I did the 80% acetonitrile/20% water cleaning. We decided I should use that.

WE DECIDED?   UUUUMMMHMMMMM …non ionic and hydrophobic contamination??  Not likely...HOW THE HELL DID SHE FIGURE THAT OUT?  Answer-she did NOT…….

Tech;   OK, ma’am, then you indicated to the person you spoke with that the material you work with is hydrophobic? You eliminated the fact that your sample may contain anything ionic or hydrophilic?

Caller:  UM, yeah I guess so. Yes, we did not go down that path. There are no metals.  I analyze anions.

UH OH…I guess so?…..not PROACTIVE thinking…..An she is so proud she can say ANIONS….OK she is clueless….other guy got her off the phone…Well, now I will do it permanently!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LET ME LEAD YOUR DA RIGHT DOWN THAT PATH….

Caller: Well, I did the cleaning and the retention times are better but still not like they were.

BETTER but NOT BACK TO NORMAL…NOT FIXED YET…MY BAD....give it a few minutes....

Tech:  Ma’am how old is the column set?

Caller:  About 1 or 2 years old.

JFC…ABOUT 1-2 Years Old…..OK big difference there…365 days+ use difference….OMG…1 or 2 years.  Most  CHEMISTS keep a record of the dates columns are put into service…What am I saying……!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma’am, what is the matrix of your samples?

OMG-said MATRIX...she is thinking of the MOVIE...MY BAD!!!!! Fair is Fair...You confuse me ....I will make sure you never find your way put of the maze...HAHA

Caller:  What?  I don’t know what you mean.

OK first truth I have heard so far……………

Tech:  Where do your samples come from?

Caller:  From a jar.  I make them from a jar.

AAAHHHHH….now we are getting somewhere…DANGER… DANGER …WILL ROBINSON….DANGER!!!!!!

Tech: Ma’am what is the origin of the samples?  Where do you samples come from?  Are they water samples, soil samples, etc? 

Caller:  Well, I do them.  I make them.  I take them out of the bottle and mix them with water.

OK… OH I’V GOT THIS ONE NAILED…..she has alkali metals all over the column…….she has ionic and hydrophilic low valence contamination.  I will keep all that a secret from her…might just put that tiny brain into a coma…………

Tech:  Ma’am, so they are from a bottle?  Do they come from small amber colored bottles?

Caller: Yes.

Tech:  So are they _ _ _ _ _ _ standards?  Are you just running what are called standards?  Who makes what comes in the jar???

Caller: They are Sigma Aldrich.

AHHHH  YES…alkali metal salts…Aldrich….2 days she has called for 2 days…she cannot read the cleaning section…she has no idea what hydrophilic or hydrophobic means….and she does not have the fortitude to look that up…..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OMG how did

Tech: Ma’am, what is the matrix of the samples in the bottles…are they solids, liquids….?

OMG-said MATRIX...she is thinking of the MOVIE...MY BAD!!!!! Well, You know they say 3 is a charm...RIGHT!!!!!  And you thought learning Spanish or French as a second language would be tough...TRY THIS...WHAT LANGUAGE IS THIS?? Learning Russian would be easier than this..[/b] Chem I, Chem I...remember Chem I..

Caller:  They are solids.  I am testing for anions. there aren't any metals.

Tech:  Ma’am, I got that…can you read me the label on the bottle. I am trying to find out if you have possible metal contamination on the column….

LA LA LA ...Almost there...

Caller:  I do not have the bottle here by the phone. But there are no metals.  I am analyzing anions.

Tech:  Ma’am, can you tell me if you can remember any of the names on any those bottles?

LA LA TRA LA LA LA LA....

Caller: Well, there is lithium sulfate and sodium nitrate…and potassium chloride.

OMFG….

Tech:  Ma’am those are alkali metal salts.  They are Group I metal salts…

DING DING.... DING DING...….!!!!!!!!    BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN HELLO….I am the blonde in this conversation…..

Caller: OH...I Guess - He He He YEAH   OH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG She had an EPIPHANY-OH RIGHT MY ASS….You all so better hope she has nothing to do with making anything anyone you know ingests…OH OH OH MY EARS….Oh and everyone just lovin this call…laughing...HOWLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Ma’am, those are alkali metal salts.  The cations are alkali metals; and, they are low valence and  hydrophilic.  Please do a cleaning for hydrophilic contamination of low valence.  Use 10x the eluent concentration to remove the alkali metals from the column. Then I want you to do a 1-3 M HCl cleaning (SAFETY VALVE FOR THE HIGH VALENCE SHE HAS NOT TOLD ME ABOUT……)…and NO I am NOT going there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now let me go KILL the dude who told her hydrophobic…and gave her the OPPORTUNITY TO CALL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CALL ME.....CALL ME NOT...CALL ME...CALL ME NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good thing they came up with that melt-in-your mouth migraine medication....Just one hitch...I AM AFRAID TO TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!  I  MIGHT NOT SURVIVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Alpha-Omega]

Favorit Jam of the Week:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pL_3bj7i1js

I will be listening to this all week evrytime my phone rings...HA HA HA ther is always a way to remain SANE....

[Alpha-Omega]

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,
'How did I get here?'
 Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
 'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.
 'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
 'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.
 'He sent them also,' the mother said.
 'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
 'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
 'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
 No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here.'

[Alpha-Omega]

WOO HOO Call of the day...so what is the deal?  You call tech support to ask a question.  I give you the answer 5 times...and you still repeat the same question to me over and over and over again...

Caller:  Hi...I am calling to ask a question about the PP Strong Cation Exchange column.

OMG I know this guy...he is from L_U.  He is so stupid...that the service rep went and picked up his HPLC sytem and brought it back to _ _ _ _ _ _ .  I mean 32 calls a day and minimum of 8 e-mails/daily.

We had to log all his communications just to prove to his faculty advisor he was stalking Technical Support.  LOL he called 30/50/once 67 times.....hHe told his advisor he called Tech Support "every once in a while."

LOL yeah, like every 5 minutes...OH this guy is DUMB...OK REALLY DUMB...I mean asks for access to do auto cleaning of the flow cell...DING DING DING...if you did not purchase the software you cannot do it...OH but he still insisted on that...even though we kept telling him he had to do it manually.

OK this has got to be good...

Tech:  Sir, what is the question?

Caller:  I want to  know the pore size of the resin on the column.

Tech:  Sir, that column is non-porous.

Caller: Yes, I need the size.

Tech:  Sir, the column is non-porous.  The literature explains the size of the pellicular resin.  But the resin is non-porous.

Caller:  I am in the column manual and I cannot find the pore size.

LOL LOL LOL HE HE HE HE HE HE HE...and you never will..DA..

Tech:  Sir, can you go to www.dionex.com

Caller:   Yes.

Tech:  If you type in PP strong cation exchange in the search field..you will come to a number of hits.

Caller:  OK....I do not see anything...

IMAGINE THAT...which part of NON-POROUS...are you NOT getting.

Tech:  I am sending you the link.

Caller:  OK...I have it ...

Tech:  That is the data sheet for the PP Strong Cation Exchange Column.

LA LA LA TRA LA LA LA...

Caller:  I need the pore size of the resin.

Death by.. SHOOT THIS MAN IN THE HEAD...

Tech:  Sir, read sentence 2 in paragraph 1.

Caller:  OH...it says NON-POROUS....OH you taught me something....THANK YOU!!

Next time I say:  Sir, do you have a pen...Sir, write this down N....O.....N   P.....O....R....O.....U....S

OMG...in my whole life....well, sure I have ...EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Alpha-Omega]

Installing a Husband 1.0


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a  distinct slow down in overall system performance-- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
 
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

                      -------------------------------------
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "I Thought You Loved Me.exe" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 or Happy Hour 7.0.  Happy Hour 7.0 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).  Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

[Alpha-Omega]

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ."
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry .
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ..
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter
V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you
please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4
hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.

[Alpha-Omega]

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

[Alpha-Omega]

The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, then leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around
300 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows.

[Alpha-Omega]

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech Support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.

*************

And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.

*************

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

*************

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

*************

Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"

*************

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

***************

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

***********

Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't Believe it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]

**********

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my Spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"


**********

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting,I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

[Alpha-Omega]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as *Ignore me, I am dishonest* Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please *delete me*

Thanks,
A Troubled User (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support


 

[Alpha-Omega]

"Remember, never ask a geek "why"; just nod your head and back away slowly... "
Dan Wineman

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.
Seymour Cray (commenting on virtual memory).

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Jeremy S. Anderson

Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

"Avoid the Gates of Hell. Use Linux."

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

"Bill Gates says no matter how much more power we can supply, he'll develop some really exciting software that will bring the machine to its knees."
Intel VP David House, In _EE_Times_, 16 October 1989

Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
Andrew Tannenbaum

Hardware, n.:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

If NT is your answer, you don't understand the question

The software said it requires Windows 95 or better, so I installed Linux

To iterate is human; to recurse, is divine.

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice.
-- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

C isn't that hard: void (*(*f[])())() defines f as an array of unspecified size, of pointers to functions that return pointers to functions that return void.

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history... with the possible exception of handguns and tequila."
Anon.

[Alpha-Omega]

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
 

[Alpha-Omega]

 .. HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!!

B... WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.

C... EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.

D... SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!

E... INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!

F... SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.

G... MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.

H... CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!

I... E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.

J... VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

[Alpha-Omega]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ..

I D 1 0 T

[Alpha-Omega]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties. The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove. These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love, Honey Bear

P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.