[Alpha-Omega]

LMAO...well I did not...in fact my friend read me these over the phone while I was driving home from work LMAO...

[FeLiXe]

pretty cool

i only got the last two right which i knew from before

[Alpha-Omega]

A South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity, read their email with their hand on the mouse..

 


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[Alpha-Omega]

Subject: 7 kinds of sex


Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
 
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.



* This kind of sex happens when you first meet Someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the face.
 
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.



* This is when you have been with your partner For a short time and you are so needy you will Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
 
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.



* This is when you have been with your partner For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and You usually have sex only in your bedroom.
 
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex



* This is when you have been with your partner For too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'




The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.



* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)
 
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.



* This is when you cannot stand your wife any More. She takes you to court and screws you In front of everyone.
 
And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.



* You get a little each month.



But not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.



I have enough problems of my own.

[Alpha-Omega]

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

[Alpha-Omega]

Three Things to Ponder:



1. Cows


2. The Constitution


3. The Ten Commandments




C O W S



Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad
cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada
almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state
of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they
are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our
country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
< BR>


T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N



They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it
has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.




T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S



The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt
Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

[Alpha-Omega]

TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) ,
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!

[Alpha-Omega]

WHEN you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this:

 

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

 

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

 

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”

 

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson.”

[Alpha-Omega]

The Four Cats !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant
The third man was a Chemist
The fourth man was a Government Employee

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
 "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said,
 "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies..
Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said
"Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

hen the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."
CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,drank the milk,,,,,,,,,sh*t on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,

put in for Workers Compensation...and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..

AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT..

[Mitch]

hehe, good one.

[Kryolith]

lol, really funny 

[Alpha-Omega]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.


This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the  results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

[Mitch]

Its true, we don't!

[Alpha-Omega]

The next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston .
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep
for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter
what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use
it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is
surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is
only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."...

[Alpha-Omega]

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company,

Proctor and Gamble, regarding their feminine products. She really gets

rolling after the first paragraph... PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for

best webmail-award-winning letter....



      Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.  Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial It is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and Secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?

Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.  Well, my time of the month is starting right now.  As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.  In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants...
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.  Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
    'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to Slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep Always.

      Best,

  Wendi Aarons