[Alpha-Omega]

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too:

"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry." she told him.

"Really?" asked the boyfriend, "And just how many men are you planning to marry?"

[Alpha-Omega]

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing.". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.&n bsp; He seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later, he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY

Iowa lost today, but at least I got laid.

[Alpha-Omega]

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

[Alpha-Omega]

This is a test for men only and all "real men" will answer "C" to all of these questions. However, women will also benefit by reviewing them, so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence
B. Idealism
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)!
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

5 You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.

What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "We have three of them?"

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

[RadonX]

Here you go darlin"  From the BIG EASY with LOVE!!!!-RADONX....SWEET

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

[RadonX]

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.)

On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[MRR]

Thunder and Lightning

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

[MRR]

Water

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.


When asked for the formula of water...

Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O.
 

[MXRIP]

Albert Einstein had been working on his theory of relativity a lot and he was just about finished. He was almost ready to publish his work. However, he was under a lot of stress so he thought he would go on vacation to Mexico.

Albert had a glorious two-week vacation and was having the time of his life. On the last night he was staying there, he decided to take a walk along the beach and watch the sunset.
As he watched the sun go down, he thought of the light of the sun and then the speed of light. You see, he had been using the speed of light in a lot of his calculations but he didn't decided on what symbol to use for it. Greek had been so overused.

Just at that moment, Senior Wensez was also walking along the beach in the opposite direction. Albert caught him out of the corner of his eye and remarked suddenly, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?"

Senior Wensez paused for a moment and replied, "Si."

[Alpha-Omega]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

[Alpha-Omega]

Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:

"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

[Alpha-Omega]

Q:  Two cats are on a roof. Which slides off first?
A:  The one with the smaller mew (Greek letter mu - μ).

[Alpha-Omega]

ARCHIMEDES' PRINCIPLE

Students of physics are frequently told
Of experiments performed by great physicists of old
Like Boyles and Charles - but greatest of these
Was the Principle discovered by Archimedes.

The Sicilian King, Archimedes was told,
Ordered a crown from a large lump of gold,
And though the weight of the gold was completely correct,
The goldsmith's eye made the King suspect
That he'd made up the weight with some cheaper metal
And stolen some gold, that his debts he might settle.
His problem was then of outstanding immensity
As he had no idea, whatsoever, of density.

Climbing into a bath he received a surprise
When he noticed the water beginning to rise.
He suddenly snapped, and let out a scream,
As he realized, with joy, his long-wished-for dream.

He found the upthrust, produced on a body's base*,
To be equal in weight to the water displaced,
And soon volumes and weights would make it quite plain
What various metals the crown could contain,
And so he could easily show to his Royalty
The absolute proof of the goldsmith's disloyalty.

Leaping out of the bath at remarkable rate,
He made for the palace by doorway and gate
But the men in the street were completely confounded
To see a naked man shout "Eureka! I've found it!"


* Is this the only error? The upthrust is not on the base, but at the Centre of Pressure. 

[RIPPIN]

THE LAST WORD
                   The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of
coffee.

Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first
proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern
computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer
simulation have failed.  Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly
that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or
occasionally upon the month of his or her birth.  This apparent
astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of
astrology as the mother of all science.

Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made
experimentation fashionable.  Bacon was the first science popularizer to
make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even
outsold the fad diets of the period.

Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.

Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for
brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be
poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.

Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling
alcohol.

CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction".  The modern system of
training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the
hazards and expense of laboratory work.  Graduates of CAI-based programs
are very good at simulated research.

Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce
remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major
scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory
where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.

Chemical: A substance that:
 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor;
 2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
 3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line;
 4) a biochemist turns into a helix;
 5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic
chemist only does for fun.

Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The
practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original
figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.

Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs.  (See also
PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)

Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual
adulteration of two or more elements.

Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the
acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the
purchase request is released.

Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.

En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists.  For
years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but
chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of
the octahedron diagram.  The timely invention of en in 1947
revolutionized the science.

Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students
can drink in a year's time.

Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants
methylate until they drop from exhaustion.

First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
desired.  For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.

Flame Test: Trial by fire.

Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have
been doing informally all along.

Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams
and never in real life.

Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic,
analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic
table.

Mercury: (From L.  Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element
No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds
(calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract.  The element
is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by
the physiological message so delivered.

Monomer: One mer.  (Compare POLYMER).

Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory
when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature
gets no credit for making it with great ease.

Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into
publications.

Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab
supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.

Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the
traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be
handled by a large digital computer.

Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs.  (See also
CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).

Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in
the universe.

Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before
they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.

Polymer: Many mers.  (Compare MONOMERS).

Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual
practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if
the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).

Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and
oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty
members.

Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of
grape juice and lab alcohol.

Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which
decay frequently to the ground state.

Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula
based on its utility and applicability.  H=E, for example, applies to
everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A.  pV=nRT, on the other
hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+,
but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial
coefficients are added.

Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity,
you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.

Sagan: The international unit of humility.

Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be
proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are
therefore futile.

SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".

Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman
nonmajors.

Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical
specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.

Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for
that purpose.  (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).

October 9
May 11
X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians,
caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged
periods.  The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood
chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but
are easier to read.

Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village
of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and
film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish).  Ytterbium is
used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used
mainly to play Jane Powell's father.

[LSB]

 THE CHEMIST'S SONG

Sung to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay."

        CHEMIST                            CHORUS

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep al night and I work all day.     He sleeps all night and he works
                                                                 all day.
I clean my flasks, I read my JACS,       He cleans his flasks, he reads
                                                                 his JACS,
I do reactions well.                     He does reactions well.
Someday I'll be unlucky                  Some day we'll all be lucky
And blow my self to Hell.                And watch him blown to Hell.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I prowl the library all day.             He prowls the library all day.
The articles that I could use            The articles that he could use
Are gone when they're in need.           Are gone when they're in need.
If I were a bookbinder,                  If he were a bookbinder,
I'd have them all to read!               He'd have to learn to read.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep all night and I sleep all day.   He sleeps all night and he
                                                            sleeps all day.
I like my work, I like my profs,         He hates his work, he hates his
                                                                     profs,
I go to seminars.                        He sleeps through seminars.
When I do any research                   The Boss can take his research
I just wind up with tars.                And shove it up his arse.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I work all night and I work all day.     He works all night and he works
                                                                  all day.
I rotovap, distill it off,               He rotovaps, distills it off,
Do chromatography.                       Does chromatography.
I think that by tomorrow                 We think that by tomorrow
I'll have some THC.                      He'll have some LSD.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I work all night and I sleep all day.    He works all night and he
                                                           sleeps all day.
I do my work, I teach a class,           He does his work, he teaches class,
I earn another buck.                     He earns another buck.
There's one girl in my section           There's one girl in his section
I'd surely like to fail.                 He's never gonna fail.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.    He sleeps all night and he
                                                             works all day.
I used up all the ethanol,               He used up all the ethanol,
I don't know where it went.              He don't know where it went.
Now I can't work for six weeks,          Now he can't work for six weeks,
The stockroom's closed for Lent.         He's drying out in Trent.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I work all night and I sleep all day.    He works all night and he
                                                            sleeps all day.
I make bad smells, I produce tar,        He makes bad smells, produces tar,
I spend the bosses grant.                And spends the boss's grant.
I tell him I'll make progress            He tells him he'll make progress
And work so hard I'll pant.              Although he really can't.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep all night and I sleep all day.   He sleeps all night and he
                                                             sleeps al day.
I work with nasty chemicals,             He works with nasty  chemicals
They really make a stink.                That really make a stink.
I use the waste containers               To clear a room is easy,
And never use the sink.                  He pours them down a sink.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I phone all night and I phone all day.   He phones all night and he
                                                           phones all day.
I buy up stocks, invest in bonds,        He buys up stocks, invests in
                                                                    bonds,
And sell commodities.                    And sells commodities.
And when the Market's slumping,          And when the Market's slumping,
I live in poverty!                       He does his chemistry!