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ERHONE

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Tabloidium
« Reply #165 on: February 15, 2008, 02:00:28 AM »
Tabloidium Recent research into certain improbable, not to say implausible
events has forced the development of an explanation involving the existence
of a previously unknown element.

Research into the properties of the minerals maxwellite and murdochite has
led to the conclusion that these can only be explained by the existence of
a previously unknown element with some very curious qualities:

* This hypothetical substance appears to dramatically increase the
  intensity of any reaction it comes into contact with, sometimes to the
  extent of causing unpredictable explosions.
* If stimulated by a changing environment it fluoresces "negative
  light" spreading darkness all around itself.
* All mathematics concerning this substance involve the lowest common
  denominator to an unfeasible degree.

* The substance may be narcotic as exposed humans tend to adopt behaviours
  that are either actually or apparently (There is often confusion as to
  which.) socially unacceptable.

This element has been tentatively christened "Tabloidium" and efforts
are proceeding to fit it into the established periodic table without, at
present any great success. One group of the research team feels that
Tabloidium may be akin to the rare earth’s but with a common
touch. However, a larger group suggests the creation of an entirely new
group of elements, the "Ignoble gases" probably for want of a better
idea.

Sources of Tabloidium

It is becoming apparent that Tabloidium is not actually scarce and it is
remarkable that something so common could remain unnoticed for so long. It
has been suggested that the elements almost complete lack of substance
enabled it to escape the notice of those capable of rational thought until
growing ubiquity thrust it upon the attention of the scientific community.

The first major deposit to exploit the world (Another curious reversal.)
was a large, near spherical lode of maxwellite believed to originate
somewhere in central Europe. This remained the main source of Tabloidium in
Britain until mismanagement led to a near melt-down. Disaster was only
prevented by copious aqueous flooding leaving the deposit drowned to this
day and the consequences of these regrettable events are still felt by
those unfortunate enough to have been involved.

Tabloidium is now chiefly sourced from a deposit of murdochite of
antipodean origin. This source has the advantage that its refractory nature
makes total melt-down unlikely. The disadvantage is that the integrity of
the material (In the physical rather than the moral sense) makes it
extremely difficult to separate out the toxic by-products present with
tragic results in a number of cases.


MRR

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Too Smart for 1st Grade
« Reply #166 on: February 15, 2008, 02:52:52 PM »
Too Smart for 1st Grade


A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"

Little Johnny: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

Little Johnny: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself

MRR

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Techcnical Support-God and Adam…
« Reply #167 on: February 15, 2008, 02:53:37 PM »
Techcnical Support-God and Adam…

A God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
 
Adam said, "G ladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley." 

Adam said, "What's a valley?"
 
God explained it to him.
 
Then God said, "Cross the river."
 
Adam said, "What's a river?"
 
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill..."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"
 
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"
 
So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
 
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
 
God first said (under his breath), "Geeezzzzeee.."  LOL I say that a lot too…..
 
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
 
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.
 
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
 
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said

"What's a headache?

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Looking Forward To The Weekend Sorm-Chicago
« Reply #168 on: February 15, 2008, 04:19:08 PM »
How To Not Pull Your car Out of The Snow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YH7qJo1se_M

Lovely Weekend It Will Be in Chicago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM2gLjfE_3Y


RadonX

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Blonde Medical Terminology
« Reply #169 on: February 15, 2008, 07:45:00 PM »
Blonde Medical Terminology

Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited

CobaltLS

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Ken's Letter To Santa
« Reply #170 on: February 15, 2008, 11:36:09 PM »
Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs
and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues, feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment -the b$*%( has everything. along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream
house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I
am forced to mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"?

In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit
Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets.

And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away,

I need bendable knees so I can kick the b$*%( to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action being taken by
myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

CobaltLS

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Top 10 Ways To Get Kicked Out of A Chemistry Lab
« Reply #171 on: February 15, 2008, 11:37:20 PM »
Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

1) Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

2)Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"

3)Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

4)Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

5)When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

6)Deny the existence of chemicals.

7)Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.

8)Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

9)Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid

10)Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.


DEACH

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Stupid Test Answers
« Reply #172 on: February 16, 2008, 12:16:10 AM »
1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.


Offline Alpha-Omega

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Life Before the Computer
« Reply #173 on: February 16, 2008, 09:40:32 PM »
Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a while! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut you did with a pocket knife.  Paste you did with glue.  A web was a spider's home.  A virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head.   I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash; but, when it happens they wish they were dead!


Offline Alpha-Omega

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Funny Kid Stories
« Reply #174 on: February 16, 2008, 09:51:34 PM »
A mother took her 3-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you..."

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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9-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. Joey said, "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge, and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

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A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear."
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
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Offline Alpha-Omega

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ANNUAL Employee Review
« Reply #175 on: February 16, 2008, 09:55:53 PM »
John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

Signed ...
Jim

A memo was soon sent following the letter:

John,

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards...

Jim

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Local Law-NM
« Reply #176 on: February 16, 2008, 09:59:26 PM »

In the New Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen. Duncan Scott, a Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment to a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another senator. The Scott amendment would have dramatically changed the face of New Mexico's legal system: The amendment said: "When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competency hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts.

"Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding a defendant's competency, the bailiff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong."

The bill, with the wizard amendment, passed the Senate by voice vote and cleared the House 46-14.
Unfortunately, Gov. Gary Johnson vetoed the legislation.

Offline Alpha-Omega

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Stupid Local Laws
« Reply #177 on: February 16, 2008, 10:00:42 PM »
Stupid Local Laws

In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Chico, California, the city council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

The state of Washington has passed a law stating it is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.

To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.

If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.

Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.

Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.

The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. Disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.

Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.

Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!

In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.

What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won't be found in Lehigh NE. Selling doughnut holes in this city is verboten.

And if any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forewarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!

It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.

In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!

In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's Anti-Automobile society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they said:
a. "Automobiles traveling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear."
b. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery."
c. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes."

Utah: It is against the law to fish from horseback.

In Bexley, Ohio, the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses is prohibited.

Indiana: Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a $25 dollar fine and the trial costs.

No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

California: In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance, forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.

In Harthahorne Oklahoma, City Ordinance states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.

In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club" An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.

In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have a musical car horn.

A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays.

Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public streets on Sundays.

Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk County, Virginia - provided that the hunter is fifteen feet off the ground.

You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New York, provided that you hold the hose in your hand while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful.

Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone caught leaning against a public building.

Loins may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.

Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

In TX: It is illegal to walk around with a concealed ice cream cone.

In Carmel, CA, it is illegal to eat ice cream while standing on the sidewalk.

In Prunedale, CA, it is illegal to have two indoor bathtubs in your house.


RIPPIN

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Heavenly Inventions-COMPARED
« Reply #178 on: February 16, 2008, 11:41:05 PM »
Arthur Davidson of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corp, dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, an angel tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world.

As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Arthur to the throne room and introduces him to God...

Arthur asks God, "Hey aren't you the inventor of the woman??" God says, "Yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front protrusion....

2. It chatters at high speeds....

3 The rear end wobbles too much, and..

4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm..." replies God. "Hold on." God goes to his celestial supercomputer, types in a few lines and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur. "But according to my computer, more people are riding my invention than yours."

DEACH

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Learning From Each Other
« Reply #179 on: February 17, 2008, 05:35:08 AM »
Learning Each Other

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, But we don't know anything about each other.

He said, That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, That was incredible!

He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?

No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

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