[Alpha-Omega]

http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/kid-with-fake-ID.html

[Alpha-Omega]

http://www.funnyhub.com/videos/pages/sexual-harassment-and-you.html

[Alpha-Omega]

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:  


All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Alpha-Omega]

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport . The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our  final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear  his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got  planned while we're in Tampa ?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel,    take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge *(#$ out for dinner.... I 'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately  begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this  new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He'sgotta land the plane and take a s#*$ first....

[CobaltLS]

Men are like a deck of cards....


You need a heart to love them
A Diamond to marry them
A Club to beat them
And a spade to bury the bastards

[CobaltLS]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[CobaltLS]

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

[CobaltLS]

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[LSB]

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if I had a Vagina."

[LSB]

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

[Alpha-Omega]

I had 20 calls today from people who do ECD on IC and NOT ONE OF THEM GETS IT.....Oh there so has to be balance in this universe...telling me "Nothing Comes Off the Column"....IS NOT PROACTIVE...

When I ask did you check your flow-rate...."HUH??  What do you mean?"..IS A BAD ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Do Not Tell Me "nothing comes off the column"..If You Have Flow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you tell me you more than double the eluent concentration "BECAUSE IT MAKES THE PEAKS COM OFF FASTER"  NOT A GOOD WAY TO EXPRESS YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....So what.... you are calling me to tell me you are a damn idiot and then you are going to prove it to me in 10 sentences ..or less....I GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG !!!  You have convinced me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I ask what your background is... responding with "+1 and -1" MEANS NOTHING TO ME....and OMG...when I ask for a "number in nC.....do not whip the first thing out of your A@#...and tell me 80 nC....with a 5 mM KOH concentration...BECAUSE YOU MADE IT UP...OR YOU ARE A NUT.....20 nC = 18 mM KOH....GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This just really eally really really sucks.....I MEAN GGGGEEEEZZZZZEEEEE...and DO NOT SIGN YOUR RESPONSES PhD....QUIT IT...QUIT IT NOW...JUST DO ME A FAVOR and Keep that a secret OK....I do NOT WANT TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And do not tell me you use HPLC water in an IC system....because it is NOT ASSAYED FOR MINERAL CONTENT...it is only assayed for things that absob in the UV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am smart and you are not...and you will remind me of that very minute of the day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  OK THANKS..

I am going on vacation....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Alpha-Omega]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)


1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
 

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?    116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?      Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get catgut?     Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?     November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?     Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?     Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?     Albert

What color is a purple finch?     Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?      New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?     Orange (of course)


What do you mean, you failed?
Me, too.

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel inadequate too.

[Alpha-Omega]

Dead Boss
A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

[Alpha-Omega]

Great Email from Management
TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

[Alpha-Omega]

Rearrange The Letters
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH :
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER