[Alpha-Omega]

Fatal Attraction

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she?s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don?t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You?re next.

[Alpha-Omega]

Haven’t I seen you before?” = “Nice ass.”

“I’m a Romantic.” = “I’m poor.”

“I need you.” = “My hand is tired.”

“I am different from all the other guys.” = “I am not circumcised.”
“I want a commitment.” = “I’m sick of masturbation.”

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.” = “You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”

“I really want to get to know you better.” = “So I can tell my friends about it.”

“It’s just orange juice, try it.” = “3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”

“She’s kinda cute.” = “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.”

“I don’t know if I like her.” = “She won’t sleep with me.”

“I miss you so much.” = “I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”

“Was it good for you?” = “I’m insecure about my manhood.”

“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?” = “Is my penis really that small?”

“I had a wonderful time last night.” = “Who the hell are you?”

“I’ll give you a call.” = “I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot.” = “You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”

“I think we should just be friends.” = “You’re ugly.”

I’ve learned a lot from you.” = “Next !!!”

“I’m on a long distance call, can you call me later?” = “I forgot to turn on my answering machine.”

“Do you love me?” = “I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”

“Do you ‘really’ love me?” = “I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”

“How much do you love me?” = “I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you by now.”

“I have something to tell you.” = “Get tested.”

[Alpha-Omega]

Dear Jenny,

I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride’s cost me a lot of things. I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss you. I don’t care about looking bad anymore. I don’t care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it’s time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: “There’s no one like you, Jenny.” I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they’re not you. They’re not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Zouk and brought her home with me. I don’t say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent idoing ballet can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. *(#$ like you wouldn’t believe and an ass that just wouldn’t quit. Every man’s dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we’ve made important in our lives. It’s all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I’m getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Jenny? I doubt it. And I’d never really thought of that before.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just growing up a little. Later, after I’d tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, “Why do I feel so drained and empty?” It wasn’t just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn’t feel the same because you weren’t there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Jenny, I’m just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Mary, that single mom we met at the Grand Hyatt lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn’t eating right without a woman around. I didn’t know what she meant till later, but that’s not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we’re banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart’s a total monster in the sack. She’s giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she’s not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother’s old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it’s totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can’t help thinking, “Why didn’t Jenny ever put the mirror on the floor? We’ve had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy.”

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Angelina’s just a kid and all, but she’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she’s been a real friend to me during this painful time. She’s given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Jenny, she really is. So we’re doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here’s this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Angelina’s really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I’m thrusting inside your baby sister’s cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It’s true, Jenny. In your heart you must know it. Don’t you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f&#^$*@ remote is.

Love,

Peter

[Alpha-Omega]

PSYCHO PICK-UP LINES-For....Well You Know Who You Are....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


* "Wanna swap meds?"

* "Can I buy you a spatula?"

* "Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils?"

* "Your crawlspace or mine?"

* "You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters."

* "May I lick your forehead?"

* "Do you always wear your shoes over your socks? "

* "Smeep. Smeep. Smeep."

* "What's your favorite flavor of wood?"

* "You've stolen my heart, but thats okay because I have three more back home in the freezer!"

[Alpha-Omega]

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage
seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.
 
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Well, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best is that I took-a her to
Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all
The husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th anniversary."
 
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm a-gonna go and get her."

[Alpha-Omega]

Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart

1.  Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they don't realize it.
 
2.  Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.
 
3.  Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the
restrooms.
 
4.  Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
 
5.  Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to "10."
 
6.  Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
 
7.  Put M&M's on layaway.
 
8.  Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
 
9.  Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
 
10.  When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't
you people just leave me alone?"
 
11.  Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
 
12.  Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
 
13.  Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
 
14.  While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
 
15.  Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the
restrooms.
 
16.  Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission
Impossible."
 
17.  Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
 
18.  In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
various funnels.
 
19.  Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say
things like "pick me! pick me!!"
 
20.  When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the
fetal position and scream, "No, no!  It's those voices again!"
 
21.  If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that
you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in
it.
 
22.  Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of
toilet paper in here!"

[RIPPIN]

Final Exam Fun!
1.Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking!" and do some gibberish work.
Turn it in a few minutes early.

2.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got secret
documents!!"

3.If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.

4.Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5.Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure
you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a joke the
instructor and the class are!

6.Bring cheerleaders.

7.Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say
to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every
lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
Where's the regular guy?"

8.Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at maximum level.

9.On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
 
10.Bring pets.

11.Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breath a sigh relief.
Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave to country"
and run off.

12.Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers in very
small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas!"
If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam Say you lost the first
one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13.Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14.Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,
and nothing else.

15.Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be
vulgar as possible.

16.Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one
up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame
it on the person nearest to you.

18.As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19.Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping
your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them
stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20.Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another
seat, continue with the exam.

21.Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out
start commenting on how easy it was.
22.Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. I it is
a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BAB etc..).
23.Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.

24.Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,
scream out "f&#$ this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25.Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor
that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour
to go drink).

26.Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during
the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27.Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above
my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28.Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29.Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on
a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!" until
they drag you away.

30.Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right
to take the exam.

31.Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "You
don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our Lives is on!!!"
32.Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33.From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave
one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34.Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35.If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36.Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37.Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38.Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious!) like
history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing,
you're getting kicked out too! Staple them to the exam, with the comment,
"Please use the attached notes for references as you see appropriate.

39.When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40.After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
 
41.One word: Wrestlemania.

42.Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like the do
before concerts start.

43.Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44.Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45.Sit around until the exam invigilator tells you to stop writing. Keep
writing as every exam is collected and wait till they're all in a big
pile. Then walk up and say you've finished. (Assuming you've missed all
your classes too) you can then say "Do you know who I am?"
very loudly if hassled about handing in the exam late. The instructor
will say no, and you can shove the exam randomly anywhere in the pile. 

[LSB]

TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

2. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

[MDMTX]

Top 10 Things to do at the Mall

10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

9. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

8. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

7. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

6. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

5. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

4. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

3. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

1. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

[Alpha-Omega]

Renting An Adult Movie

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”

[Alpha-Omega]

Psychological Christmas Songs HA HA HA HA -LMAO LOL LOL

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC: Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY: Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE

AGGRESSIVE: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
 
 

[CobaltLS]

The Rules Of The Relationship

For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect
in every relationship.

1. The female always makes the rules.

2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No male can possibly know all the rules.

4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.

5. The female is never wrong.

6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.

7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing
the misunderstanding.

8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the
female.

10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.

12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants
him to be calm, angry or upset.

13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.

14. The female always gets the last word!

(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are
null and void under the PMS Exception Law

[DEACH]

Blonde Education Department

The blondes at the university led by Suzy , were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo's. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.

Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
 
 

[CobaltLS]

Shopping For A Man

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
 

[CobaltLS]

Men And Women

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

* Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

* A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.