[Alpha-Omega]

Types Of Cows

Two Cows (A comparative study of Governments and Religions)

IF A...

COMMUNIST has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk.

SOCIALIST has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk.

NAZI has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.

CAPITALIST has two cows, he sells one, and buys a bull.

NEW DEALIST has two cows, he kills one milks the other,
and throws away the milk.

LIBERALIST has two cows, he sells them to the rich,
then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor.

CONSERVATIST has two cows, he locks them up, and charges people to look at them.

ATHEIST has two cows, he doesn't believe it.

BUDDHIST has two cows, he milks them, but lets the milk spoil,
then he slaughters them, but lets the meat rot.
Then he prays for more cows.

ZEN BUDDHIST has two cows, he thinks about what to do with them,
then they die of starvation.

TAOIST has two cows, he lets them wander off.

NUDIST has two cows, he lives in Wyoming.

HARE KRISHNA has two cows, he names them CONCOURSE A and B.

EVANGELIST has two cows, he asks for 2,999,998 more so he won't be
"called up to heaven" just yet.

PLATONIST has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.

ARISTOCRIST has two cows, he sells them, and buys one big one.

AESTHETIST has two cows, he gets rid of them.

AGNOSTIC has two cows, bug deal, he has two cows.

CATHOLIC has two cows, they're not as good as your two cows.

MORMON has two cows, he slaughters them, sells them,
and holds back 10% of the meat and turns it into jerky.

SCIENTOLOGIST has two cows, they're probably from Venus
(and they're not really cows...)

PACIFIST has two cows, they stampede him.

GOVERNMENT WORKER has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them,
or even label them as cows.

HILLARY CLINTON has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives _everyone_ 2 cows.
If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.

BILL CLINTON has two cows, he makes sure a few
Arkansas Highway Patrolmen are outside the door when it happens.
 
 

[Alpha-Omega]

Dont be ignorant all your life, take a day off why dont you?
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.
You are so dumb, you stand on a chair to raise your IQ.
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
You are very smart. You have brains you never used.
You got more issues than National Geographic!
You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.
You are a black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
You are a couple of slates short of a full roof.
You are a couplet short of a sonnet.
You are a cup and saucer short of a place setting.
You are a deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
You are a few beads short in her rosary.
You are a half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be to much of a surprise for you now, would it?
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
All day I thought of you...I was at the zoo.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing.
By the way, the zoo called, the babboons want their buts backs so you'll have to find a new face.
Can I borrow your head for my rock garden?!
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
Don't let your mind wander - it're far too small to be let out on its own.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.

 

[Alpha-Omega]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married..
 
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humor.
 
 
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the
hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. (Does this
sound like anyone you might know???)
 
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times..
 
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
 
Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT! The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I
told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I
got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
 
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said 'oh s#*$.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 

[Alpha-Omega]

TASER GIFTING

This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find yourself laughing out loud.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.  A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.  The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.  What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.  The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse af fect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  Nothing! I was disappointed.  I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;  I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.  All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.  I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-#&*$@... That hurt like **%!!!  A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.  My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.  How did they get up there???  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I'm still looking for my testicles!  I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!  Still in shock!

P. S. My wife love d the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

C.J. Owsley, owner
Candy Bouquet #343
320 Ichord Ave. Suite X
Waynesville, MO  65583
(573)774-3636 Store
(573)336-5883 C.J.'s Cell
CandyBouquet@yhti.net
www.343.CandyBouquet.com

 

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces."  --Judith Viorst,
author and journalist

[Alpha-Omega]

TEN WORST GIFTS TO BUY A WOMAN

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a infomercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend.

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

[Alpha-Omega]

Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.


Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.


A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.


How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.


What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin


Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.


Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.


How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.


How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.


How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.


Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train


Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.


Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.


What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.


What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.


What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.


Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?


Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.


How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.


What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.


Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.


If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows.

[Alpha-Omega]

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.


Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.


Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love.


How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.


What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.


Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?


What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.


How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.


What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.


How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".


Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.


Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.


Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.


Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.


What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."


How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it


How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.


What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.


How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He's breathing.


What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.


How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.


What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.


How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?


How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??

[Alpha-Omega]

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.


What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.


What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.


What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.


Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.


Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the s#*$ out of you.


Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains


How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes


Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions


How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini


Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them


What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.


Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy


Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once


What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.


Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.


Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.


What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.


Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.


What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.


What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.


Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.


Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.


Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

[Alpha-Omega]

Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults.

Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Grocies:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.

A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.

A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

Cats:
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc...

Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.

Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"

Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

[Alpha-Omega]

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her. Submitted by Elizabeth


How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.


Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.


Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.


Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.


Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.


Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.


Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.


What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.


What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.


How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.


What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days


What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.


What does a man call true love?
An erection.


Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.


What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.


What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.


What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.


What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.


How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.


Why are marriend women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.


Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.


Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.


Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.


Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.


Why does the man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.
Mine.

[Alpha-Omega]

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.


Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.


Wife: "I won the lottery! Five million dollars. Whoo-ee--start packing!"
Husband "That's great!!! What should I pack?"
Wife: "Whatever you want, just be out of the house by the time I get there"


Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.


Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.


What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."


How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.


He keeps a record of everything he eats.
It's called a tie.


What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.


Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."


We try to keep him out of the kitchen.
Last time he cooked he burned the salad.


138.Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.


What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.


What is the definition of an inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.


How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirt; We iron/ they wrinkle.


How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.


Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!


What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy b$*%(.


Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.


What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from shitting all over the place!


Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!


Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.


How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.


Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

[Alpha-Omega]

Q. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. What did God say after he created man?
A. "I can do better than this."

Q. How do men define a 50-50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven-course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six-pack.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space, at least women will ask for directions.

[Alpha-Omega]

1. A computer can wait forever for you.

2. A computer doesn't compare you with it's past users.

3. A computer doesn't get calls from it's past users while you're logged in.

4. A computer doesn't mind how excited you get.

5. A computer doesn't tell you how completely teriffic it's past users have been.

6. A computer is big in all the right places.

7. A computer never forgets your birthday.

8. A computer won't ask, "Are you in?"

9. A computer won't ask, "Is there another computer?"

10. A computer won't even talk about marriage.

11. A computer won't fall in love with you just because you have sex.

12. A computer won't get bitchy if you're slow to respond.

13. A computer won't grade you on how much you send it.

14. A computer won't look through your checkbook.

15. A computer won't mind how many other accounts you have, or if you keep getting new ones.

16. A computer won't say, "Let's just be friends."

17. A computer won't shave with your razor.

18. A computer's maintainance personel don't cross-examine you every time you log in.

19. Computers are easy to turn on.

20. Computers are ready when you are.

21. Computers are very responsive.

22. Computers aren't into finding out how far you'll go to keep your account.

23. Computers do everything you tell them to.

24. Computers don't care about age differences.

25. Computers don't care if you're married.

26. Computers don't get pregnant.

27. Computers don't get upset if you use other computers.

28. Computers don't insist on foreplay.

29. Computers don't make you meet their parents.

30. Computers don't mind if you share them with a friend.

31. Computers don't mind spending hours on the phone with you.

32. Computers don't play head games unless you ask them to.

33. Computers never ask you to call them in the morning.

34. Computers never have headaches, or take rainchecks, or have a curfew, or have that time of the month.

35. Computers won't mind if you don't like their friends.

36. If you don't like the feel of one terminal you can easily switch to another in less than a min.

37. Size doesn't count to a computer.

38. The average computer session lasts four hours.

39. With a computer, you never have to say you're sorry.

40. You can log into several computers at once.

41. You can turn off a computer.

42. You can visit a computer any time you like, and it'll be up and ready for you.

43. You don't have to tell computers you love them.

[Alpha-Omega]

The 10 Last Things A Man Would Say

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherf*#$&@.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her *(#$ are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. f&#$ Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.


The 10 Last Things A Woman Would Say

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way..
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

[Alpha-Omega]

Real Driving Test Answers

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school. (In other words the Saturday morning traffic school for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate number.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a #!head all day long.