[Alpha-Omega]

A Week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and Wanda paid a visit
to their doctor."You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband.
"My thingy's turnin ' blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."The doctor
takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.

The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed
for you?"

"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape," she said.

[Alpha-Omega]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.' "

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, " 'Your Grace.' "

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say " 'Your Eminence.' "

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her the subtle, "Well...?"


She replies, "My son is a gorgeous 6'4", hard bodied, well hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, " 'My God.!"

[Alpha-Omega]

Life after death

A  couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform
the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no
afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.  True to his
word, he made contact, "Connie....Connie. .":

"Is  that you,  Joe?"

"Yes,  I've come back like we agreed."

"That's  wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well,  I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off  to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and
then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -
lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then  pretty much
have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course
again.  Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed
sleep and then the next day it starts all over  again."

"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not  exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in  Arizona."
       

[Alpha-Omega]

My Private Part Died Today!

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing  home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his "Private Part" hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that... Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did  tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

 (You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!)

 
 "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[Alpha-Omega]

I have to weed this stuff out now-They are NOT reading my resume.....I have no experience with resins and/or polymer chemistry....that is so far out of my area of expertise....

First of all, let me tell you how glad I am we came across your resume. Hexion Specialty Chemicals is looking for a Quality Control Manager in PLEASANT PRAIRIE (WI), and I think you are a fit for the position, as we are looking for someone with previous work experience with resins or relevant polymer chemistry.

I mean....well their mistake HOPEFULLY someone elses GAIN....and that BASF Job I posted...that too....where do they see 10 years of Engineering Expereince...but at least that one was more believable...if he went thru my linked in he knows I know people who do..

Last time this happened Thermo Fisher HR Recruiting sent me a job opening regarding REGIONAL SALES MANAGER...I mean I wrote back and said there must be some mistake....I have no SALES background...

These are all really good jobs...but NOT for ME....

I know people do NOT read MANUALS...now I know they are not reading ANYTHING....not all people...just the ones that wrtite to me.....LMAO

PEACE OUT ALL....studying for my SHIMADZU INTERVIEW...I am READING the MANUALS!!!!!!

[Alpha-Omega]

4.5 hr interview with 5 page oral exam ...over very long lunch...they said I did the best of all candidates they have interviewed-THUS FAR....gave me my exam to review for trip to MD
 
Covered:  XRD, XRF, UV-Vis, GC, HPLC, IC, FTIR, MS, TOC, AA, and ICP
 
Could only name 4 GC detectors not 5....GC is my weakest area:   TCD, ECD, FID, PID....but no way could think of 5....
 
Nailed all rest...except that damned Van Deempter eqn for GC-spent too much time on it have to make my answer shorter....have to get my Skoog out....just never do much with GC..
 
Beer's Law was cake...UV/Vis double beam and single beam-PDA vs. UV...and forward and reverse optics....almost all of it was equations..I mean if you knew the equation you could naill the question....determine flow rate for each column diameter:  1-mm, 2-mm, 4-mm, etc...V=IIr².

OH yeah-what could be the reasons your autsample is giving poor reproducibility/precision.....ahhhh they are looking for specicifics....not just the valve...the needle....the vials...the septa....they are looking for details...

Split vs. splitless injection....that is very easy (column overload/column capacity)....They were really after how much I knew about pumps:  single piston, dual piston, syringe....and I do know all that.....check valve cartridges, seals, pistons, all the maintenance and repair....all the problems with vibration and MS.....how to resolve pressure issues....

They were so surprised I knew what happens to material injected into an MS...that it was ionized...OMG  what did they expect...of course I know that-I thought everyone knew that....they said..." Most people do not"....and no one they have interviewed so far has..WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I mean it is nt like my answer was very technical....just the basics....OK that surprised me..

OK you should hear their technical support stories...LMAO...I mean PRICELESS....so must be same all over the world....

So if you go on an interview with them...BE PREPARED..
 

[Alpha-Omega]

Jury Duty Scam:
 
I received this email and I thought it was important to share with all of you:
This has been verified by the FBI (their link is also included below). Please pass this on. It is spreading fast so be prepared should you get this call. Most of us take those summonses for jury duty seriously, but enough people skip out on their civic duty, that a new and ominous kind of fraud has surfaced.

The caller claims to be a jury coordinator. If you protest that you never received a summons for jury duty, the scammer asks you for your Social Security number and date of birth so he or she can verify the information and cancel the arrest warrant. Give out any of this information and bingo; your identity was just stolen.

The fraud has been reported so far in 11 states, including Oklahoma, Illinois, and Colorado. This (swindle) is particularly insidious because they use intimidation over the phone to try to bully people into giving information by pretending they are with the court system. The FBI and the federal court system have issued nationwide alerts on their web sites, warning consumers about the fraud.

Check it out here: http://www.fbi.gov/page2/june06/jury_scams060206.htm

[Alpha-Omega]

 Eighteen Double Vodkas   
 
  A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
 

[Alpha-Omega]

Uncle Ted's Morals   
 
  Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.
The following day, Suzy raises her hand first and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big *Ignore me, I am impatient* and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, "Don't f**k with my Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''
   
 
     

[Alpha-Omega]

All I Want Is a Beer!   
 
  A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."

The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you driven a Ford lately?"

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
   
 
     

[Alpha-Omega]

Beer Consumption   
 
  The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an *Ignore me, I am a weenie*.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.   
 

[Alpha-Omega]

Texas Drivers   
 
  The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s#*$!''

In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.'' 

[Alpha-Omega]

Bar... Monkey   
 
  A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
   
 
     

[Alpha-Omega]

Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy   
 
  A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
 

[Alpha-Omega]

 Computer Diagnosis   
 
  One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."