[Alpha-Omega]

A word of advice to all who call us for help.  If you intend to strat off as a rude dumb ass make sure the name of your company is not like this one:

BOEHRINGER-INGELHEIM

Caller;  OK..my name is and my GDF system is all F#@%$ed up....and YOU have to fix it right now.

Tech:  Sir, what is the name of your company?

Caller:  Boehringer-Ingelheim..now fix this GD Fing PIECE OF..OR I ...am going ...this is all your fault...and I .

OK...then i have been waiting for this call ALL DAY...OR YOU WILL WHAT??? WE WILL SEE WHO DOES WHAT TO WHOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, what was that?  I am sorry did not get all that? You said Dorin...

Caller:  NO it IS B..O...E...R...I...N...G....E...R...I....N...G....E...L...H...E...I..M

Tech:  Sir, I am having trouble making out what you are saying...OK I have the B...O...E ...R....I...N...G.. then.. I...N....G...H....M....?

Caller:  NO THAT IS NOT RIGHT....Boeh..GD it can't you look me up by name?

CODE BLUE...He is going to have a stroke....[/b]

Tech:  Sir, that is what I am doing....  If you would just slow down...there is alot of static on the line...

STATIC IS THE KEY...Call me for help...and then scream in my ear...cuss me out...blame me for your inept analytical skills...I am nailing that coffin shut....you get what you give....and beleive me i am giving it back.....come on...just a little bit more...HE HE HE HE HE HE

Caller:  OK OK NOW LISTEN...and FIX YOUR PHONE OK....because I CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE...B...O....E....H..

AHHHHH that's the way threaten me...tell me to listen...BABY you are not my mama....and for sure you are NOT MY DADDY...HE HE HE ...I just love a man who screams at me in a flasetto-type voice...I sure do like a man who is in control...BUT DO NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER TRY TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!

Tech:  OK..sir...let me put you on hold for a moment...

Caller:  NO NO don't do that...it is I...N...G...E....L...H

HHHMMM see how scared he is now..just threaten them with HOLD....with any luck they fall back into the que...!!!!!!!

Tech:  Sir, I am sorry, got the I...N...G...L....U...E..

Caller:  NO NO that is not right....Oh never mind....I will call back!!

OK THEN HE CAVED...could not handle the pressure of spelling that name over and over...HOPEFULLY AFTER YOU HAVE TAKEN YOUR PROZAC...  maby you will calm down after you take some of what you make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HA HA HA I WIN....

[Arkcon]

Caller;  OK..my name is and my GDF system is all F#@%$ed up....and YOU have to fix it right now.

Until you actually try, you can't be sure your arm won't fit through the phone, and reach out to the system -- or smack the caller, either one works.

[Alpha-Omega]

AAAHHHHH but the slow torture of making them spell that name over and over....man the first time I did that....all of Tech Support was ROTFLTAO...I mean even the VP was laughing so hard he had to close the door to his office....

Yes we all feel that way at times.....but when you cop an attitude...and you are calling for help....this works too...plus look at how many people had the opportunity to listen and learn...it is now standard protocol....LOL LOL LOL

I had a great one today...it will be on the blog....LOL...coming in 2 days

[Arkcon]

Once, I read in the April issue of some analytical journal, a collection of dumb tech support questions, delivered to brighten our day for April Fool's -- anyway, here's one that your call has reminded me of:

Caller:  Your system doesn't work

Editors note:Now, when an end user has decided that the system is no longer "their's" but is now "your's" you know that have seriously lost patience, and this is going to be one tough call

Tech: What is the problem?

C: It gives numbers that are way too high.

Intriguing observation, what could it mean?

T: What is your application?

C: I've just bought a new GC to replace an older model.  I analyze drug samples for (some municipality) if I get a peak above a certain level, I know I have a positive result.  Your new instrument is much too high.

That doesn't sound good.

T: How do you calibrate your instrument?

C: The installing technician does that.

That really doesn't sound right

T: How often does he do that?

C: When he installed it, of course.

T:  For legal reasons, I can no longer talk to you.  I suggest you, or someone in you lab receive basic training in quantitative analysis.

Editor: I'm left wondering, how much money I could make as a defense expert in this municipality.

[Alpha-Omega]

That was a good one!!!!..And I see they have moved on from GC to IC....and have this 800# now...I

 am so glad ACN/suppressor METHOD DEVELOPMENT CHEMIST left ...today AVM was teaching a cousre....I swear I would have called in sick.....UM....Her second question yesterday was :  "So can you run current thru the suppressor without letting the eluent flow?"

OMG...METHOD DEVELOPMENT CHEMIST.....DING DING DING DING..NO NO NO NO no flow without current no current without flow.....JFC....what...I mean....who hires these people gives them a 100K system to destroy and then sends them to traing where they make asses out of themselves....

I mean a statement like that indicates she has never ever read the manual...

[Arkcon]

Here's another, shorter, tech service story.  Someone bought a new GC, their purpose -- to analyze aflatoxin, in peanut butter.  Thing was, the new GC gave excellent results the first time it was used.  But afterward, it just gave no answer. 

There was no way to figure out what was wrong over the phone, so the service technician went there, to figure out what was wrong.  He asked the scientist to show her analytical technique, and the analyst dutifully unscrewed the injector housing, and used it to scoop up a healthy quantity of peanut butter, before re-screwing it into place, then pressed the big lighted "Go" button.

[Alpha-Omega]

LOL...OH YEAH IT JUST GAVE NO ANSWER....UMMM Let me guess....I can see it now...FOR NO APPARANT REASON..

OH that is very good....peanut butter in the injection valve...like glue in the detector...

And the woman who called me yesterday to say...ok this going in blog...but jist was she was pregnant...OMG..and her legs swollen...Yes, she was compelled to give me all those details....and she wanted to store her column which was plugged and she could not get the pump to flow...well, WHAT WAS THE MATRIX?  She tells me WATER just WATER...OK what KIND OF WATER??

WATER EXTRACTED FROM SOIL SAMPLES...that is known as leechate and is tested for heavy metal an mineral content...HELLO ENVIRONMENTAL CHEMIST GODDESS....so her column is clogged and plugged to HELL...told her to use a syringe...and she is screaming at me that "this is an environmental lab...they do not have syringes..."

OK well, after she gives birth to Damien...I will talk to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Besides, the only way she will get enough pressure behind a disposable syringe to drive any liquid thru that column...is if she is in labor anyway...So why waste my time...