[Alpha-Omega]

AHHH Most Amazing Data Ever Seen:

E-mail:

Dear `M,

Hi my name is xxxx PhD, MD, PE...from xxxx and I was wondering if you could please take a look at my data.  You have helped me before and I just cannot figure out why my amount columns keep showing NA.

I set up my sequence and it ran perfectly but all my amout columns say NA.

Dear PhD, MD, PE X, (OMG look at that-all those credentials let me quit breating right now-aren't you embarassed!!!!!)

I have looked at your data (YES, at each and every bit of that 25 MB file you sent me!!!!!) and your amount columns read NA (Because you SDA with the huge signature!!!!! I know you are stupid -don;t you feel stupid!!!!!) you did not enter the amount of your standards in the amount table in your calibration file of your method.

Please see the attached, adjusted file.

Yes you DA....I did your work for you so go ahead and have a GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Do not forget to send me that part of your paycheck I just earned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

E-mail:

Hi!!! ~M,

I am sending you my data...because I do not know what I am doing wrong.  You have helped me before and I was wondering would you PLEASE look at it and tel me how to fix it?

Senior Scientist, PhD, MS,

Dear Senior Scientist, PhD, MS, .(...Ad Infinitum!!!!...Oh let me just drop dead right here and now!!!!)

I have looked at the data you sent me (30 freakin MB compressed file...1 month of GDF data-WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!!).  I can see you are analyzing anions over a linear rang. However in your calibration file you are treating your Cl as CUBIC. I also see you are forcing the function thru zero (I am really holding back here...).

It is rather unusual to treat 4 of your anions as linear and one as cubic. (Beats the hell outa me!!!!-4 treated as linear and 1 as cubic). If I adjust all of your curves to linear with offset...you can see that all the amounts fall into line and your R^2 is now 99.9999%.

Please accept this data as a gift...a gift to the human race...i now know I have a calling in this life....and do not ever send me crap like that again...I wknow where you work...and I will hunt you down and shut you down.  Consider it an act of mercy with respect to the rest of humanty!!!

LOVE,

~M

E-mail:

Dear `M,

Hi this is.....How have you been?  I am attaching some data so you can fix it for me.  I have worked and worked and cannot get it to fit a straight line.  Please, Please, Please help me!!!!!! And my response factor it is all wrong. My spectra look aweful.  I really need some guidance.

Gratefully Yours,

Dr.XXXnnn,
Phd
Ms
BS
AS


Dear Dr. XXX (LMAO-I have to put unknown leters next to my name when I prove to the world I am hindered),

I have reviewed your data and I can see you are analyzing cations using a XXX 7 Cation Standard.  (OMG-the tailing...the overloading, the linear function forced thru zero, the range OMFG...1 ppb - 10,000 ppb and...words could not describe)!!!!

The ammonium anion is in each and every chromatogram(They are F$#@ing Chromatograms NOT Spectra and GUIDANCE...you need to go back to school); however,  you do not account for it in the calibration curve.  You have amounts for it in your tables, you have it tagged for cubic fit, but you negate it in every chromatogram (WTF is he normalizing against the NH4+ peak???-and that makes no sense unless he is doing a relative response factor)I can see you are treating it EXPONENTIALLY and forcing it thru ZERO.  Your data is out of the linear range if you are using a std range from 1 ppb - 10,000 ppb (OMFG 1 ppb - 10,000 ppb and 25 points too-did he think he would miss a spot.) (JFC here we go again integrating the circumfrence of the earth!!!)

OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LA LA LA LA LA

Please see all the adjustments I have made to your data in the attached file.

ADIOS,  BYE BYE...forget my name and do never send me crap like that again...I swear by every breath I have left you will never ever do this again-HA HA as if anyone could repeat this mess again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love,

~M

OH YIPPEE More SS...My Lucky Day!!!!!!!!

Dear `M,

Hi, this is XXX from FDA.  I have this problem it is the software.  The software is not behving correctly.   I have made a 10,000 times dilution and a 20,000 times dilution and I do not understand why the amounts for my 10,000 and 20,000 dilutions are greater than your undiluted samples.  I am attaching 3 data files for you to look at.  Thanks in Advance.

Yours Truly,
Dr. CCV
PhD
Ms, AS, PE

Dear Dr. (with so many credentials I mean I am just F$#@ing Paralyzed)

You are overdiluting.  Your diluted samlples do not lie on your cal curve.  Your total signal is .035 uS; which is far below your lowest signal on the cal curve.  I have adjusted your data for File#2...it does not fit a linear plot...If I apply the quadratic with offset you can see how it improves.  the amounts fall into place and your R^2 value is now 99.998%.

If you are restricted to a linear fit you will have to use more than 1 curve and decrese the dilution factors.  Please see the attached data files labeled ADJUSTED.

Love,

~M

Now that I have explained how you do your method development, how you do a calibration, how you DO CHEMISTRY PERIOD...Please Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200.00...YOU NEED TO GO TO JAIL!!!!!!..and they should never let you out.  Those degrees should be revoked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  GTF out of my e-mail...and  never speak my name again!!!!

One other thing...this is a RULE..Never ever thank someone for something you have not yet received!!!!! Thank You for what?  You did not learn a thing!!!!   I did your data analysis!!!!!! And JFC quit foring those functions through zero.  Where did you ever get the idea...I mean this is like some viral thing...So if there happens to be a line....on a graph....then by some unknown natural law of nature...by whatever mans possible you have to force it thru the point (0,0).   Please help me understand!!!!!!!!

And GDI...quit fitting the data to the function....it does not work that way...you fit the function to the data!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And get your SLFA over to www.chemicalforums.com...and ask someone there to HELP YOU!!!!!!!  They will tell you to MAKE AN ATTEMPT!!!!!  I know it is hard...and some people cannot do it!!!!!  And then if you tried to cross-post....and you would....HA HA They Would BANN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHHHHHH [/b]

LAST BUT NOT LEAST...HERE IS THE BEST E-mail Of the Week!!!!!!

Dear ~M,

 
The application examples you kindly sent said to use "suppressed conductivity, CXYZ, external water mode."

I presume this means that I pump in DI water via a secondary line/pump (no recycle) and apply a current on the suppressor?  Other charts you provided suggested ~100 mA for 2 mM nonafluoropentanoic acid eluent.  (I also have up to 80% ACN present, as the application indicated.) 

Anyway, I have attempted the external water mode.  But I have been unable to apply a current to the two old suppressors I have (I get XYZ alarm message).  I have a new CXYZ suppressor on order, and could still try regenerating the one I have in the meantime, as you mentioned.  Nevertheless, with water pumping through the suppressor and no applied current, I obtained a flat baseline, low background (~2-5 µS), and have found the compounds I have been searching for (tetrabutylammonium, and a trioctylmethylammonium salt), which I am very happy about and thank you for pointing me in the right direction.  I guess I am a little baffled on the mechanism keeping the background conductivity low, as there is no chemical regenerant or water electrolysis taking place.

XYZ PhD
Scientist
Analytical Chemistry
phone  xxx
fax  xxxx

Dear Dr. XYZ

I have no idea how to respond to this.  If you are running eluent and external water thru the suppressor without applying current-then the membranes will atrophy.  That will damage the membranes and the suppressor will cease to function.  The rule of no flow without current or no current without flow is central to the operation of an electrolytic system.

That you are able to get a low background and continue your analysis is a complete mystery.  I do not know how/what you have implemented.  The plumbing diagrams/instructions for external water mode are in the attached manual.  Section 3.4 page 23.

LOVE,
~M

Oh and please let me tell y'all that this man was going to run 80% Acetonitrile through that suppressor in recycle mode with currnet.....and that would form...yep you got it.... HCN gas!!!!! OH OH and then  OH yes, Let the BODIES HIT THE FLOOR!!!!!!!!

Please note I do my part to try and save the human race on a daily basis...it is a tough job!!!!!!  But, Oh look at all the amazing math I have learned!!!!!   

And I have not become the Queen of Acronyms for no reason:  so WTF, WTH, HMOH, IDNGI, and JFC ....and Oh so many more!!!!!! DA, SDA, GDDA, MUDAE..

PATIENCE...PATIENCE.....PATIENCE...HHHHMMMMM and Even I have A LIMIT....LOL

WOO HOO A REAL LIFE MIRACLE HAS OCCURRED-PEOPLE WILL COME FROM ALL OVER TO SEE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH OH OH!!!!! Let me not leave this after hours e-mail out!!!

Dear ~M,

Hi, this is.... from XXYL National Lab.  You have helped me in the past.  Can you tell me how to make a 1,000,000 x's dilution with the software.  I keep trying to enter it and it will not stick.  It keeps kicking the number out.

Kind Regards,

PhD
Ms
BS, AS

OMFG...a 1,000,000 x's dilution.  OK then Well....let me see now....

Dear Dr. SFDA,

The allowed range for dilution is:  0.0001 ... 999999.9999


Love,

~M

Dear ~M,

Could you please convey my disappointmnet to the software developers.  This is a serious flaw/fault in the XX program.  I would really appreciate it if they would fix that in the next version.  They realy need to fix that.  It makes the software substandard.  Plase tell them to rectify that prior to the next release.

Kind Regards,

PhD
Ms
BS, AS

OH YEAH....YOU BETCHYA...I sure will.  Just let me walk my sweet ass right over to their office right now.....OH cannot wait to see the looks on their faces....LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...10, 9, 8, 7, YEP the building just fell down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really need to consider in investing in Etch-A-Sketch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Arkcon]

Sheesh ... the urge by a well-meaning company to provide the ultimate in customer service fails to take into account the incredible creativeness of the utterly incompetent once again.   I could never work in customer service.  However, if there are any openings in beating the clueless with blunt objects, I'll send you my resume.

[Alpha-Omega]

Do not think for even one minute I ever use those words...CUSTOMER SERVICE....this is bottle feeding and diapering...i do not want childern and never did...NOW THE PAYBACK!!!!!!

LOL they do call our group CCG...LMAO....If they could see the words in my head...and it is just so much easier to fix the data...can you see me trying to explain any of this...OMG....that would be a 100 hr call!!!!!

I have tried that and all I get is "what do you mean MENU, FILE?  iIdo not see FILE...Oh you should have said left click  and double left click if that is what you wanted me to do...you need to tell me exactly what to do."  If you said that I would have done it...."

I so bet they can do it at home chatting in those private rooms or visiting those porn sites....AHHHH

Yes ...a shooter at the door would be a great addition...snipers on the roof...all that...a SWAT TEAM!!!!!!