[Donaldson Tan]

                      The PowerBook Battery HACK FAQ
                      ------------------------------

Section 0. Administrivia

0.1 What is the purpose of this FAQ?

The purpose is twofold -- one illustrates exciting uses for batteries from
Apple's PowerBook. The second is to illustrate that any dufus can trick
other dufus' (sp. maybe dufi) into wasting time by reading it.

0.2 Who wrote this FAQ and how can I contribute?

-CENSORED-

0.3 Then isn't this FAQ a complete trick and a waste of time?

Technically speaking, duh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Section 1. Acquisition

1.1 How do I find a PowerBook battery?

There are several places where you can find these batteries. The most
obvious place would be of course a Macintosh PowerBook. There is usually
a sliding piece of plastic located on the left side that when slid away
will allow battery removal. You can also look in the dumpsters behind places
that sell PowerBook batteries -- even though you can "recycle" them most
people dump them in the trash.

1.2 So I should use a live or dead PowerBook battery?

It depends on the need. See sections 2 and 3. Both can be used.

1.3 What if I've found a PowerBook battery but it's in use?

We'll assume you are wanting to get a battery from an active PowerBook, as
in the rightful owner is using it but you want it. There are several      
different steps involving battery acquisition:

Step 1 - Distract the user. Here are some good examples to try.

 1.a - Tell the user you use Windows, but state something like 'what is that
 INTUITIVE program you are running'. All Mac users will stop everything to
 give you a hands on demonstration.
 1.b - Knock over the user's styrofoam cup of flavored coffee from Starbucks.
 1.c - State loudly, 'wow I can't believe Steve Wozniak was right over there'
 and gesture some direction behind the user. You can also use 'that chick from
 Buffy the Vampire Slayer', 'Guy Kawasaki', or 'Steve Jobs'. However Steve Jobs
 may not work as most Mac users are starting to catch on that Jobs thinks Bill
 Gates is cool.
 1.d - Bend over and state 'omigod I think that meat was bad' and clutch your
 stomach. Since all PowerBook users are vegetarians this will get their
 attention. If the user seems to think you deserve to die, look at the sky
 mournfully and state 'oh mother earth I'll never stray again'. This will work
 perfectly unless the user has a Hypercard stack of home remedies that involve
 herbs and natural oils and now needs to 'look up that carnivore cure'.
 1.e - Use combinations of the above steps. This will confuse the Powerbook user
 slightly, because of years of MacOS use they "think" they can multitask but are
 not really truly multitasking. This will give you your opening.

Step 2 - Removal of battery. Just remove it.

Step 3 - Coverup/Getaway. Here are some tips.

 3.a - Run.
 3.b - Replace the battery with one that is almost dead. This is great if you've
 opted for Step 1 and are using 1.a. Odds are they will have a spare battery,
 so as long as you have half dead spares keep swapping them. Works best with
 1.a.
 3.c - Plug in the A/C adapter right before battery removal and replace the
 battery with rocks or old AOL diskettes so the weight won't be too off.

I personally recommend a combination of 1.a and 1.b, followed by 2 then 3.b.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Section 2. Live Battery Hacks.

2.1 How can I tell if a PowerBook battery still has juice?

You will notice two metal strips on one corner of the battery. One is marked
+ for positive, the other is marked - for negative. Place your tongue across
the plastic divider between the two strips until portions of your tongue
touch each strip. When you tongue catches fire, use the following chart to
determine battery strength:

        Strength       Fire
        -------------  -----------------------------------
        Fully Charged  Very white with 5 inch flames
        3/4 Charged    Bluish white 3 inch flames
        1/2 Charged    Blue 1 inch flames
        1/4 Charged    Small blue flames but lots of smoke

If your tongue does not catch fire, consider the battery drained of juice.

2.2 Can I kill someone with a live battery?

Outside of hitting them in the temple with it at high velocity, you can try
the following urinal hack (works against men only):

 - Paint the battery to look like a "urinal deodorant cake".
 - Place inside cellophane covering but leave the two metal strips exposed.
 - Prop up battery between two real urinal deodorant cakes.
 - Wait for enemy to piss.
 - Electric shock will not kill him but start fire (see section 2.1).
 - Enemy kills self after losing "reason to live" (see chart in section 2.1).

2.3 Will a live battery help me in the woods?

As most computer hackers know, some people actually go into the woods and
spend the night (this is called "camping"). Since most hackers have no idea
what this entails, I will skip to the important part.

The most important part of "camping" involves gathering wood in a pile,
igniting it, and then poking the burning pile of wood with a long,
cylindrical stick periodically. Usually this involves sitting next to or
crouching down near the fire. The hardest part of this unexplained ritual
is the initial fire ignition. Use the following steps to perform ignition
of your ritual fire:

 - Place wood in pile near a rock you can sit on.
 - Make sure there are small dry twigs at the bottom of the pile.
 - Place battery among the small dry twigs.
 - Bend a small paper clip into a "U" shape.
 - Using insulated pliers, clutch the bottom of the U shape of the paper clip.
 - Move paper clip until the two points at the top of the U touch the metal
   strips of the battery.
 - As paper clip catches fire, try to catch twigs on fire by moving paper clip
   around. You may have to repeat this step a few times.
 - To assist in ignition try adding leaves onto the twigs.
 - Once fire is started, drop paper clip and remove battery from fire with the
   insulated pliers.
 - Sit on rock and poke fire with stick periodically.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Section 3. Dead Battery Hacks.

3.1 My computer table wobbles. What can I do?

Place the dead battery under one leg of the table to prevent wobbling. You can
also use four of them to protect a wooden floor from getting marred.

3.2 My computer table is wet. What can I do?

Pick up your drink and place it on top of the battery. A dead battery makes an
excellent coaster.

3.3 My mother might catch me viewing porn online. What can I do?

While a small stack of PowerBook batteries make an excellent doorstop, just one
is required for this hack. First, close your door. Next, wedge the battery  
between the door and the floor. Now go one hand surfing on the web!

3.4 My ex-girlfriend dumped me because I spend all my time on the computer.
    What can I do?

A dead PowerBook battery shattering through her bedroom window in the middle of
the night will not only scare her, but makes a nice political statement about
her ideas regarding your "priorities".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Section 4. Misc.

4.1 What is the best PowerBook battery?

The best PowerBook batteries for these hacks are those with the copyright date
of 1992, model number M5654. They are large, clunky, and have a reputation of
starting fires.

4.2 Does NMRC own any Macs?

NMRC is down to two Macintoshes -- and one of them is a PowerBook. They are very
old and run System 7. They are used for monochrome games, Tetris while watching
TV being the most popular use of the PowerBook.

At one point NMRC has 2 PowerBooks and actually set up an AAN (Aircraft Area
Network) during an hour long flight. Okay my kids set it up and ran cable
between a couple of rows, but it sure did impress some suits on the plane  
(after all it was 1993).

4.3 So did you get Netware 5 Beta3 loaded?

It is still loading as I speak. Gawdawful slow. But I did manage to type up
this entire FAQ in about 35 minutes. Maybe I'll read some email -- who knows?
I might even read my own....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------