[Donaldson Tan]

> >A small piece of sodium which lived in a testube fell
> >in love with a Bunsen burner. "Bunsen! my flame! I
> >melt whenever I see you" said the sodium. The bunsen
> >burner replied :"It's just a phase you're going
> >through".
> >---
> >A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender: "
> >How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him and
> >says: "For you, it's no charge".
> >---
> >Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
> >Because it was polar.
> >---
> >What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
> >A one molar solution.
> >---
> >What do dipoles say in passing?
> >Have you got a moment?
> >---
> >Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
> >Because it's in the ground state.
> >---
> >What do you do with a dead chemist?
> >Barium (bury them...just in case u dun get it:D)
> >---
> >What weapon can you make from the elements potassium,
> >nickel, Iodine and iron?
> >A KNIFe.
> >---
> >Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
> >They're cheaper than day rates.
> >---
> >What did one titration tell the other?
> >Let's meet at the endpoint.
> >---
> >Why are chemists great for solving problems?
> >They have all the solutions.
> >---
> >Do you know what happened to the chemist who was
> >reading a book about Helium?
> >He just couldn't put it down.
> >---
> >Why do chemistry professors like to teach about
> >ammonia?
> >Because it's basic stuff.
> >---
> >What is a cation afraid of?
> >A dogion
> >---
> >What did the match tell the flame?
> >Baby, you make me lose my head.
> >---
> >Why did the ice cube get divorced?
> >His wife said he was too cold.
> >---
> >Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?
> >They bonded well from the minute they met.
> >---
> >What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
> >Methylated spirits.
> >---
> >If H20 is water what is H204?
> >Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . .
> >---
> >A psychotic chemist came home from work and had a big
> >fight with his wife. In the heat of the moment, he
> >grabbed a bottle of some lethal chemical substance and
> >forced her to drink it while he screamed: " Die Ethyl,
> >die". The wife dropped dead on the floor and the
> >neighbors who were watching the scene, decided to call
> >the police. The policemen arrived and arrested the
> >chemist. One of them asked: Was there any reason for
> >you to kill your wife? The chemist replied: " There
> >was no chemistry between us. We never bonded well
> >although we tried.In the compound where we lived, our
> >temperaments collided. She always responded negatively
> >to my comments. Our relationship was unstable. There
> >was no possible solution. She had an attitude and I
> >was explosive. Finally, I overreacted. But now I'm
> >glad it's over. I'm in equilibrium again.I will feel
> >free even behind the irons."
> >---
> >A group of organic molecules were having a party, when
> >a group of robbers broke into the room and stole all
> >of the guests joules.A tall, strong man, armed with a
> >machine gun came into the room and killed the robbers
> >one by one.The guests were very grateful to this man,
> >and they wanted to know who he was. He replied: My
> >name is BOND, Covalent Bond.
> >---
> >According to a chemist, why is the world so diverse?
> >Because it's made up of alkynes of people

[jdurg]

Here are some HORRENDOUS jokes my high school chemistry teacher taught us to help us remember the latin symbols for some elements.

Au; Get away from my Gold!
C-u later copper!
Don't forget to P-b 4 you go to lead!

[savoy7]

here's a stupid Hydrogen joke

one hydrogen atom says to another, "I think I lost an electron!"
the other states, "Are you sure?"
"I'M POSITIVE"

I know - stupid

[Curry]

Is it just me or do chemistry teachers say corny jokes alot in class? I know mine does, it's actually pretty funny...

[Alberto_Kravina]

THESE JOKES ARE THE BEST THAT I'VE EVER HEARD! Really good job geodome!!

[Alberto_Kravina]

here another good site, it's kinda funny...

http://www.scs-intl.com/images/prints/PTableL.jpg

[Kenichi]

One of my favorites...
   If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate!

[jdurg]

One of my favorites...
   If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate!

Okay, I seriously want to hurt you after that one.  

[constant thinker]

Okay, I seriously want to hurt you after that one.  

Being on jdurg's bad list will be a very unsafe thing after he gets his tax return.

Definately chemistry teachers have some korny jokes. They make you chuckle. I like geodome's jokes though.  

[Bakegaku]

Is it just me or do chemistry teachers say corny jokes alot in class? I know mine does, it's actually pretty funny...

Last year my teacher did that all the time!  He seems to like the jokes I've told him from here, too.  My current teacher doesn't tell any jokes, though  

[Kenichi]

One more for you guys...

Person 1: What's new?
Person 2: C over Lambda

[Furanone]

Why did all the compounds elute out of the column immediately in the void volume during HPLC analysis?
It suffered from Retention Deficit Disorder

Why did the professor not allow his students to wear sandles while in the dairy lab?
He was lack-toes intolerant

What is the difference between Yogurt from North America versus the Yoghurt from Europe?
The Yoghurt from Europe is more acidic than the Yogurt from North America since it has an extra proton to donate.

Why shouldn't thin people perform the Soxhlet Analysis?
The tend to burn fat too frequently

Why do nude models tend to perform Mojonnier Analysis most accurately?
They are natural pouring stars

[Dan]

Here's one:

Why don't organic chemists sit down in confession booths?

You can't get syn elimination from a chair.

[david34]

here's another one...

What did the element say to the police?
I CU Copper

[Connorjcutler]

A bunch of Atoms get on a bus. Tin tries to sit in the front but when silver walks in the bus driver makes him sit 3 seats behind silver. Nitrogen-14 cries “Daddy why does tin have to sit behind silver? That’s not fair!” Carbon-14 replied “Hes a poor metal, that’s where poor metals belong.” As they took their seat with the Non-metals.  Nitrogen-14 squealed as an atom approximately twice the size of her father (in van der waals) lumbered onto the bus. “Daddy who’s that hes huge!” Carbon-14 gulped “That’s frank. Hes unstable. I hope he gets off soon.” Francium collapses into the first seat of the bus. Silver quickly moved to the 9th seat in the D section of the bus to keep a safe distance from Francium. Tin groans and moves another 3 seats behind tin and flops into the 2nd seat in the P section. Argon walks in the bus looks at the bus driver and says chivalrously “I protest this segregation of elements.” He then nobly took a seat in the back of the bus. Carbon-14 stared jealously at Argon as he majestically strode past. “just look at that calm stable bastard. He thinks he’s so great” Carbon had always wanted an octet.  Neptunium walks on the bus obviously intoxicated.  The bus driver yells at him “We don’t have an F section on this bus! Get out!” Francium yells “get a job while you’re at it! Good for nothing!” Hydrogen was floating in the front of the bus in the S section when he sees fluorine walking toward the bus. Hydrogen begins to panic “Close the doors! Make him wait while I get out! No Flourine wait!” Flourine didn’t hear him through his head phones and the bus driver was too confused by the sudden panic of hydrogen to do anything. Hydrogen squeezed as far away from the walking aisle as he could but to no avail. When fluorine walked by Hydrogen screamed and got sucked up. Flourine got not knocked over by the impact. They both turned into a squabbling mess as they tried to separate. The busdriver jumped up and tried to help. The bus delayed as they tried to fix the mess. They struggled with the problem for 15 minutes trying to find a solution when suddenly francium began to scream “IM DECAYING!”